And she would be even happier when she learned to keep her mind from straying to Oliver and that last night they shared together. It hurt more than she ever thought possible to think back on that kiss. The kiss she was afraid would haunt her dreams for the rest of her life. But still, she didn’t regret it. She didn’t think she ever would.
It was a cruel form of torture knowing that Oliver was so close. Carver had told her that Oliver had decided to keep Pembroke, something that made no sense to Elizabeth. Why would he live somewhere he despised? Honestly, she wished he would sell. She feared that he would continue to pop up at unexpected times in her life and wreck any sort of intimacy she might gain with Wesley. And yet, despite the fact that seeing him would twist her with pain, part of her hoped that she would spot him in the back of the chapel later that day. He was her best friend. It was going to hurt to not have him there.
“I’m afraid Kate is still not feeling well this morning,” said Mama, clasping Elizabeth’s hands in her own. Elizabeth looked up into Mama’s light blue eyes, the ones that most closely resembled her own. “I’m afraid she’s relapsing. She won’t be able to attend the ceremony. I’m so sorry, darling.”
“Oh.” Elizabeth’s eyes dropped to Mama’s hands. “Well, that’s all right. Shall I go in and see her before we leave for the chapel?”
“No, love.” Mama smiled softly and squeezed Elizabeth’s hands. “We cannot risk you catching whatever it is Kate has before your wedding trip.”
Wedding trip.
Elizabeth sighed. “No, we wouldn’t want that.”
Mama frowned. “Darling…are you quite sure that—”
Elizabeth cleared her throat to muffle Mama’s words. “I think we should be going now, don’t you? I don’t think it’s exactly polite for the bride to be late to her own ceremony.”
A tight smile pulled at Mama’s mouth. “Of course. Let us make our way toward the carriage.”
At that moment, Papa stepped into the room, sunshine from the window glinting off of his silver hair. His smile was wide and full just like she remembered seeing it everyday since she was a girl. She paused, looking hesitantly to Papa. “Well? How do I look?”
His eyes glistened as he stepped forward and wrapped her up in a tight hug. “You look more beautiful than ever, my darling.” Elizabeth had to shut her eyes tightly to keep from crying. Refraining from crying seemed to be all she ever did these days.
He pulled away, but held on to her shoulders, his grey eyes searching hers. “Elizabeth, my wonderful darling daughter. I hope you know how very proud I am of you.” He paused and took a deep breath, his face changing into something deeper. “You, my little love, have always been my heart and my adventure. Ever since the day you were born, you have inspired me to run instead of walk. To laugh in the face of difficulty. I know you have always seen yourself as young and unrefined but, my dear Lizzie, I hope you know that your courage has sparked more life and hope in our family than anyone else ever could dream.” Elizabeth pressed her lips together, n
o longer winning the struggle against her tears. “Never settle, my love. Never stop daring. Dreaming. Living. And my hope for you today is that this will be just the beginning of the adventures yet to come in your life.”
Elizabeth’s tears continued to roll down her cheeks as Papa’s words settled deep within her heart. Her mind flashed to she and Oliver splashing through streams, laughing, racing their horses across the meadow, reading books together under the oak tree, whispering together in the closet. And the fire in his eyes before he had kissed her.
Papa’s large weathered hands cupped her face and he wiped her tears with his thumbs. Mama came to stand beside them, placing a hand on her back.
In that moment, it was clear to her that Papa was not picturing Wesley in the future he was hoping for her.
“You do not want for me to marry Wesley, do you Papa?”
He smiled. “I want nothing more than for you to be happy, my Lizzie.”
She knew what he meant. And she knew that she had to be honest with him. “Oliver does not love me.” The words fell out of her mouth, but he didn’t look the least surprised to hear them.
“Do you know that for certain?”
Elizabeth took in a breath as her mind raced back over every interaction they’d shared since she came to London. No. She didn’t know for certain because she had been too scared to ask him or tell him how she felt.
“No—but when I told him that Wesley was going to propose, he didn’t object.”
Mama put her hand on Elizabeth’s back. “Oliver has always put your needs before his, ever since he began visiting Dalton Park. Are you sure he didn’t think this was what you wanted most?”
Elizabeth’s hands flew up to cover her face. Had she made a mistake? Yes. How had she not simply told Oliver how she felt, putting aside her fear of rejection, and lived? Now, it was her wedding day and it was too late. She had promised herself to a man who she could never love.
“Elizabeth,” said Mama, in her kind voice. “It’s time to make a decision. What do you want to do?”
“Is it not too late for choices?”
Mama smiled. “It’s never too late, darling.”
She took a moment to think. What did she want? If she risked everything and went to Oliver, only to find out he did not love her, would it be worth it? Could she risk her vulnerability? Could she risk a future she knew for certain Wesley could give her?
Her answer was clear.