I am desperate. I’m desperate for her.
For my Shayne.
“One year or ten years, I’ll be here. I know this has been a whirlwind romance, but I love you, Ford. I don’t care how long it takes. I just want to be with you.”
“I have a year left.”
“I know, but you said this was always meant to be your career. The goodbyes, they’ll get easier, right? I mean, this one is hard because we just found one another, and we need more time.”
“I don’t know, baby. I know that no other goodbye has been this hard for me. I know that the army used to be what I saw when I thought about my future, and now all I see is you. I promise you, no matter what I decide to do once this year is up, we’ll talk about it and come to a decision together.”
I hold her close while the warm water cascades around us. Closing my eyes, I commit this very moment to memory. The feel of her body pressed against mine. Like the rest of the last two weeks, this moment is burned into my memory for safekeeping.
“We should get out. I need to get dressed and ready to go.”
“Okay.” She nods. She leans in and presses her lips to my chest, then pulls open the shower door and steps out.
Turning off the water, I step out of the shower and take the towel she offers me. “I think you should stay and try to get a few more hours of sleep before you drive home.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“Try for me? And text me as soon as you get home. Hell, text me whenever you want. If I don’t respond, it’s because I can’t, but I will as soon as I’m able. I promise you I’m not ignoring you.”
“I’ll text you.” She nods.
Once we’re dried off, we step out of the bathroom, and my eyes go to the clock. It’s already five thirty. I need to get dressed, pack up my stuff, and get to the base. Walking to the side of the bed, I call Chad to make sure he’s up. “Hey, man, just making sure you’re awake. We need to leave here in fifteen.”
“Yeah, I know.” He sounds about as thrilled as I am to have to go back. I’m pretty sure it has everything to do with my little sister and nothing about the job.
We both love what we do, but sometimes there is something or someone who comes along to take its spot. I freeze when I remember that’s what Dad told me several years ago. He always intended to have a career in the army, but he served eight and was done. He told me he found something he loved more than serving his country. At the time, I didn’t realize it, but he was talking about Mom. And us. He missed us being born, and six months later, he was home for good.
Now I understand.
“All right, man, I’ll see you in the hall in fifteen.”
“Roger that.”
“I’m not ready,” Shayne says, shaking her head.
I swallow hard past the lump in my throat. “I love you,” I tell her. Reaching for my bag, I toss my shit inside, not caring how it’s packed. I just need this shit done so I can hold her until the very last second. Slipping into my clothes, I take a quick glance around the room. Satisfied I have everything, well, everything that will fit into my bag, I zip it shut and hold my arms open. My girl comes willingly. She, too, is dressed, her wet hair pulled back in a bun.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” she whispers.
Sitting on the bed, I pull her into my lap and hold her with everything I have. I kiss her temple, her cheeks, her forehead, and finally, her lips. I try to show her without words what she means to me. I know that words are hard for her to trust with her past, and so I make this one count. I kiss her with all the passion and love I have for her. I just hope it’s enough. I wasn’t enough for Sara, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m enough for Shayne. I trust her, and she’s so damn strong. I know she can handle this. I know she can handle me being away, but will she want to? It’s a lot to ask of her, but the heart wants what the heart wants.
“Baby, I need to go.”
She lifts her head, and I tap her thigh, giving her the signal to stand. When she does, I guide us to the window, where the sun is meeting the horizon.
Standing behind her, I wrap my arms around her waist and rest my chin on top of her head. “Whenever you miss me, just look up at the stars. I’m staring at the same sky every night.”