The Introvert's Guide to Blind Dating (The Introvert's Guide 3)

“You asked if we could sketch naked men,” Agatha pointed out, pointing her paintbrush at Rosie. “You’re not exactly better.”

Rosie sniffed. “Nude sketches are very tastefully done.”

“So is my banana penis!” Mabel exclaimed. “And you have to look extremely hard to see the nipples on the apples!”

“They’re obvious!” Amos, Sebastian’s grandfather, chortled. “Terrible nipples. Are they your own?”

“Oh, dear,” Grandma muttered. “Perhaps we should go.”

I looked at Maverick who was watching the scene with a mixture of amusement and straight up horror etched into his features. “Give it a minute. I want to see where this goes.”

“Oh, Piper.”

“The audacity!” Mabel huffed. “Just because you’ve never had a schlong like my banana one doesn’t mean you can criticize my nipples, Amos!”

Where was Leonard? Leonard was her boyfriend and was somewhat successful at keeping her under control.

“Leonard chose a bad time to take a nap,” Grandma mused.

I’ll say.

“I’m sure your nipples are lovely, Mabel,” a gentleman whose name I didn’t know said.

“Don’t be a pervert, Stanley. I’ll tell my Leonard what you’ve been saying!”

“And that’s enough,” one of the nurses said, walking into the room. “Honestly, can’t a girl use the bathroom without you all regressing to your teenage years?”

“If only our bladders did.” Randy chortled. He was Kinsley’s grandpa and one of my favorite people.

I’d long thought he and my grandmother had a soft spot for one another, but since Josh and Kinsley were getting married, I doubted it would come to anything more than a simple companionship.

Not that I wanted to think about any of these people doing anything other than be friends, you understand.

“Who are you?” Agatha asked, looking in Maverick’s direction. “I don’t know you. Introduce yourself, boy.”

“Oh, boy, here we go,” I breathed. “Agatha, this is my friend Maverick.”

She looked over at me. “When did you get here?”

“Just before you all started arguing about fruit genitalia,” I explained. “I needed some help bringing some stuff from the bakery and he offered to help.”

It wasn’t strictly a lie.

Rosie narrowed her eyes. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“He is not my boyfriend.”

“He looks like your boyfriend,” Mabel offered.

“I don’t have a boyfriend,” I replied.

Randy cleared his throat. “Did you say you’d brought stuff from the bakery?”

I nodded.

“Vicki, dear, shall we go and see what’s available? Perhaps Piper’s friend can help us out,” he said to Grandma.

“Yes, let’s do that.”

“I want her friend to help me!” Agatha shouted. “Does he have a nice bum? I liked it when Sebastian would visit. He has a great bum.”

Um.

Oh dear.

I forgot what happened if you brought a young, hot guy into this place.

“Nice bum or not,” Rosie said, wrinkling her face up. “What would he want with an old hag like you?”

“Better me than a washed-up old tart like you!”

CHAPTER FOURTEEN – MAVERICK

RULE FOURTEEN: IF A WOMAN TRIES TO WARN YOU ABOUT SOMETHING, LISTEN. FOR GOD’S SAKE, LISTEN.

What in God’s name was happening here?

“A washed-up old tart?”

“So washed-up even a beach wouldn’t want you!”

Well, shit.

I should have listened to Piper when she said this place was insane.

“Agatha. Rosie. That’s enough.” The nurse walked into the middle of the room and motioned for them both to get up. It took them a minute given their advanced age, and I swear the nurse almost clipped Rosie around the back of the head when she tried to poke Agatha with her cane.

“I want the new boy with the nice bum!” Agatha yelled as she was shuffled out of the room.

I really didn’t know why I was still standing here. I was equal parts shocked, confused, and completely and utterly amused at the insanity of what was going on. I’d never met a group of seniors like this, and I’d put money on the fact I probably never would again.

“Hello, dear. I’m Betty.” A little old woman with a marble cane and bright red lipstick sidled up to me.

Well, sidle was a strong word.

She… pottered.

“Hello, Betty. It’s very nice to meet you,” I said politely.

“Do you have a nice bum? Can we see?”

“Oh dear,” I heard Piper’s grandma say. “Piper, I think you should go and save him.”

“Do I have to? This is fun.”

I shot her a glare.

“I’m coming,” she said, quickly moving away. “Betty! I see you’re causing trouble again.”

“Me? I don’t cause trouble. Trouble finds me.” She batted her eyelids at me. “What’s your name? Is it Trouble?”

Involuntarily, I took a step closer to Piper. “Help.”

She laughed, touching my arm. “Betty, why don’t you go to the living room? I brought treats from the bakery, and there was only one blueberry muffin left. I put your name on the box, but you know what Agatha’s like.”

“Ooh, Agatha!” The old woman shook her fist in the air and turned her attention to going to retrieve her sweet treat. “If she steals my muffin I’ll beat her with my cane!”