Sometimes I wonder...
I shake my head to get the traitorous thoughts out. I can't let myself go down that path. Can't risk thinking about things that make my head spin with fear. But the question, the doubt, the worry remains, firmly lodged in my brain, reminding me it's there at every step I take.
What if history repeats itself?
What if the darkness from Kade's side of the family has been inherited?
My eyes find Theo. Sweet, loving, quiet, darling Theo, my oldest, the peacemaker when the twins fight, the one who always brings me a gift for Mother’s Day, even if it's just handpicked flowers. It couldn't possibly be him. My firstborn is too sweet, too kind to harbor darkness in his heart. My eyes turn to Maxim next.
Darling Maxim is my little rebel. Rowdy, jealous, possessive. Loud. His voice always booms in every room he's in. He doesn't let anyone else play with his toys, and he's so protective of his twin sister, sometimes he doesn't even let Theo play with her. It could be Maxim. It's the most obvious choice.
Then my eyes wander to Kenzie, my little girl, the apple of her daddy's eye. Kade has a soft spot for our daughter, always has. He carries her on his shoulders and lets her tug on his hair. He forgives her for everything. I've never been close with Kenzie, though. She pulls away when I hold her and won't spend time with me unless Kade practically begs her. It could be Kenzie.
I shake my head to get the dark thoughts out. Since everything that's happened with Parker, I've been plagued with thoughts of this—the bad apple. And how just one could spoil the whole bunch. How, if my fears come true, all my children could turn out to be as monstrous as Parker was.
"Darling?" I jump when Kade puts his arm around me, shooting him an apologetic smile. "You okay?"
"I'm fine." I shake my head dismissively. "Sorry... Just got caught up in my thoughts again."
Kade pulls me aside, leaving the kids to play with Nala, our puppy. "You sure you're okay? You seem so distant today, Junebug."
"I'm fine," I insist, getting a little annoyed that he won't let it go. But as I raise my eyes to my husband's, I search his gaze, trying to find the answers I so desperately need to hear. I want to ask him to reassure me. Beg him to tell me it's going to be okay and every last trace of darkness has been erased from our lives when Parker disappeared into that Hawaiian abyss.
But I'm worried if I do ask, Kade will admit he has the same fears I do.
That night, I get ready for bed and notice my fingers are still trembling. I thumb the butterfly pendant hanging between my breasts. I wear it every day, never taking it off. It's a reminder of everything my family and I have been through, and I never want to be without it.
Kade enters our bedroom, grinning at me. "I have a surprise for you." He closes the door and comes to stand behind me, his strong hands resting on my shoulders. "I think you might like it."
"What is it?" I ask. I love that he keeps surprising me. He remembers how much I love that anticipation, the feeling building up right before he reveals what it is. He doesn't reply. In response to my words, he just grins at our reflection in my vanity mirror, toying with the strands of my hair that escaped the messy dark bun on top of my head.
I lean into his palm, relishing the feeling of being close to him. He's my forever. I stare at our reflection too, gasping and grabbing his hand when I see it.
"Kade, you didn't!" I turn around on the chair, knitting my brows as I inspect his left pointer finger. "A tattoo?"
Right there, on his finger, the word Junebug is written in my own cursive handwriting. I can't help but smile as silly as the whole thing is.
"You know, they say it's stupid to get another person's name tattooed."
"Says who?" Kade smirks. "They're dumb. When you know, you know, Junebug."
I laugh, shaking my head as I inspect the black lettering. It's beautiful. It's perfect. It marks him as mine forever. "I love it, Kade. Thank you so much."
He sits down on the bed and pulls me closer. I stand, my husband's hands roaming my body as he leans against me, inhaling my scent and muttering, "There's another reason I did this. Promise you won't get mad?"
"Of course I won't," I say, holding back a moan as I bury my fingers in his hair. "What's the other reason?"
"I... I wanted you to always be able to tell which one I am," he finally mutters. "Now you can never mistake us again."