But I have to do it to protect her from the truth.
Chapter 19
Willa
My world has imploded. Everything I thought was real has been smashed into pieces, and I'm left picking up the shards lying at my feet alone.
Raphael is gone. The only man I've ever wanted has left me broken.
I barely acknowledge my surroundings on the way home from Raphael's office. By the time I walk into our house, I feel completely numb.
"Hey, Mercy came looking for you," Nox tells me when we cross paths in the hallway. "Woah, are you okay, Wills?"
"What?" I snap. "Yeah, I'm fine."
"Okay." He gives me a doubtful look before growling, "This better had nothing to do with that prick Santino, or I'll gouge his eyes out and –"
"Oh my God, knock it off, Nox." I run my hands through my hair, feeling frustrated. "Just lay off me for one second."
"Jesus, fine." He raises his hands in defeat. "Mercy says to call her."
"Why?"
"Because she's your best? Christ, I don't know, kid. You having one of your fights again?"
I'm faced with a decision and my heart and head disagree with which option to pick.
I could tell Nox everything right now, pour out my heart and let him help me out of this mess I've created like he's always wanted to.
Or I could keep it to myself like I always do. Let it fester and rot until it poisons me from the inside.
"Everything is fine," I mutter with a tight smile. "I need to go, sorry."
I push past him on the stairs, ignoring it when he calls out my name. All I can think about are the lies Dove and he told us about Nox's past, about the reason he went to prison. I can never trust them again.
Once the door of my bedroom is safely locked behind me, I finally let the tears fall. They burn against my cheeks but I don't make a sound, I just lie on the bed and stare up at the ceiling while the war rages on in my heart.
Time passes and it feels like I'm being torn apart. Frozen, unable to do anything about my imminent death but lie there and take it. Horrible memories flow through me and a sort of paralysis takes over, rendering me unable to cry for help.
Once I can finally breathe again, I pick up my phone with trembling fingers and delete all of Raphael's contacts, breaking my own heart again. Once I'm done, I set the phone down and carefully reach for a pair of scissors on my desk.
I treat them with care, careful not to hurt myself, which is ironic, given what I want to do.
I remember the first and only time I hurt myself like that and how deeply I'd cut. I was only twelve, and when Dove found me, she cried for hours. I couldn't bring myself to do that to her again, no matter how badly some things hurt.
But now, I don't want to cut into my skin to feel pain.
I want to feel oblivion, I want this to end.
Just as I dig the tip of the scissors into my skin, my phone pings with a text.
The scissors fall and I take deep, ragged breaths, realizing how close I was to something I swore I'd never do again.
I check my phone, finding a text from Mercy.
Call me when you can?
With trembling fingers, I hit call. She picks up within seconds.
"Hey, Wills."
"Hey." I swallow thickly, but the lump in my throat remains. "Mercy, I..."
"What?" I don't answer even though I can hear the worry in her voice as she goes on. "Is everything okay?"
"I wanted to hurt myself," I blurt. "Right before you called."
"No, Wills." Her voice breaks. "You promised you wouldn't. What happened?"
"I just gave up," I whisper. "If I hadn't gotten your text..."
"Wills, you can't keep going like this."
"I know, I just –"
"Can't you talk to Raphael about it?"
I hold my breath, his name like a punch to the gut. "I... I think we're done for good."
"Fuck, Wills. You sure?"
My silence answers for me, and after a pause I whimper, "I just want to leave, Mercy."
"Then leave." She hesitates, then blurts out her speech. "Look, I think Scott's in with some bad people."
"What people?"
"Some people he might owe money to," she bites out.
"What? Fuck, Mercy!" I cover my mouth with my palm. "Did they hurt you?"
"No, but they might try." I can feel her shame through the phone. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you. I should've believed you about him. What I mean is... we should leave. Together. This place is bad for us."
Silently, I agree with her. "Where would we stay?"
"Doesn't Nox have family in New York?"
"Yeah," I mutter. "But they don't ever talk."
"So? You know how weird he is about his family, I bet they're eager to connect. And you could find out more about Nox, too," she says. "In fact, I looked them up. They're kind of famous, you know."