"You can't handle it," he mutters. "You never fucking could."
He takes a step back and my hand falls from his crotch. My mind is screaming for me to cling to him, to beg him not to leave me, to take me with him, to never let me go. And yet I stay glued to the spot, unable to move a single inch. He shakes his head. He's put on his shirt, but now he puts on his shoes too, and the whole time, I don't say a word, even though my head is swimming with things I want to scream at him to convince him to stay.
He laces up his boots and gives me one last look. "I'll be around."
With those words, he leaves me standing there, walking away from me as if I never meant anything to him at all. I feel like I'm going to be sick, and yet it takes me several minutes after the door shuts behind him to move to the sofa like I've been severely injured, collapsing on the plush pillows.
My life is a fucking mess. The sofa smells like Robin. Robin, who's gone. And Sam. And now Nox. I have nobody left.
My thoughts fill with people I could call.
Raphael. No. I don't want to explain what's been happening with me, and I don't want him to know I don't see a romantic future for us.
Elise. But what would I say? Even though it's been only weeks since Robin went missing, I know she's already moving on. The way I'll never be able to.
My mother. The thought makes me laugh out loud. As if she'd even want to talk to me.
I lie on the couch for what feels like hours. Nox doesn't come back. Evening turns into night, and the fear starts creeping in, heavy, dark and crippling. At some point, I force myself to drag myself upstairs and into my bed.
I'm convinced I won't be able to fall asleep for hours, but the adrenaline rush has tired me out, and my eyelids grow heavier and heavier by the second. Thankfully, I don't get a chance to dwell on what happened with Nox. My mind saves me, mercifully plunging me into a world of numb darkness, where I don't have to feel a thing.
***
I wake up because I can't breathe. My eyes fly open, my chest reverberating with the beat of my own heart. The room is dark, and there's someone in here with me. Instantly, I'm terrified. That is, until my eyes find his.
I'd recognize his gaze anywhere. Grey, dark, promising a world of pain and trouble. And yet for some reason, his presence calms me, and my heart beats a little steadier despite the fact that Nox has his palm pressed against my mouth.
"Don't make a fucking sound," he tells me. "Just nod and shake your head. Understood?"
I struggle beneath him, but his free hand instantly finds its way to my throat, and he squeezes. Hard. I understand the game we're playing now. If I don't do what he says, he's going to hurt me. My heart soars with excitement, and I hate myself for it.
Finally, I settle and give him a simple nod. This seems to please him. He smiles at me, almost gently, lulling me into a false sense of security.
"Good girl." God, those two little words make me feel all the things I shouldn't. "Are you happy I came back?"
I nod, eyes fluttering open and closed fast.
"Do you know why I came back?"
I shake my head no. My chest burns. Every spot he's touching burns. I want him to take me. I want him to have me. I'll deal with the mess I made here tomorrow. Tonight, I just want to belong to him once more.
I was obsessed with Parker Miller once. And the thing about obsession is... it's un-fucking-curable. As I stare into his eyes, I know I'll never be able to quash the feelings I have for him. I'm doomed in this state, forever hoping he'll take advantage of me again, even though I've experienced his wrath too many times to count.
"I came back to fuck you, Dove," he mutters in the shell of my ear, sending shivers down my spine. "I came back to fucking take what's mine. Do you want that?"
He raises his face above mine. His lips linger inches away from my own, torturing me, taunting me with a kiss he won't give me. Not unless I tell him the truth.
My eyes close. I don't want to give him this power over me, to admit what I'm truly feeling, what I don't want him to know. Yet I know if I don't, he'll leave me wanting again. So, I nod. With my eyes closed, I nod, telling myself this doesn't change anything.
I'm still the brave girl who gets through whatever life throws at her.