And yet there's a small voice deep within me. A voice that was born in that room with all the plants, the one Nox locked me in. The voice feels like it doesn't belong to me. It belongs to a woman who's much stronger and more capable. But maybe one day I can grow up enough to be her.
I lock the door behind me. Out of habit, I check every room. They're all empty. I'm alone.
Fighting back the feeling of disappointment, I peel off my dress and take off my bra with a sigh. I get between the sheets in nothing but my black lace thong, fingers wrapped around a vibrator I bought last week.
I'm a woman and I have needs, and I'm going to embrace them. Fuck what anyone else says.
I turn the toy on and it rumbles to life. Shutting my eyes, I push the fabric of my thong to the side and toy with my clit, pressing down the vibrator. In an instant, relief and pleasure wash over me. It's sick, the fact that this is the only thing that makes me feel complete anymore.
Sex.
Fucking.
I've become a toy. But this toy only plays by itself.
It feels somehow powerful to be in charge of my own body. To extract moan after moan from my own lips. I hold the power now. Too bad I can't control where my thoughts are going.
Once again, I find my mind circling around Nox. What I did to him, what he did to me. How we fucked each other up beyond repair. Most of me wants to hate him, but there are parts, and those parts are determined as hell, that want him, need him back. I dream of him. At night, he's back in my head, controlling me, pulling the strings that make my body obey him without question.
I'm a woman obsessed. And I know there's no way out of this – it's a hell of my own making, one I can never escape.
But it's a small consolation, nevertheless, to know I'm not letting him near me again. He can't hurt me if he isn't around. He can't keep stealing people, memories, he can't wreck my future if he isn't here.
My eyes fly open, the toy incessantly buzzing between my legs. I want the release I'm keeping from myself, and yet it feels like a waste because my stalker isn't watching.
"Fuck you, Nox," I mutter, the words barely above a whisper. "You don't own me."
Knowing I'm lying to myself, I bring myself closer to an orgasm. I'm a finger slip away from coming, from giving myself the pleasure I don't deserve. It will be a small consolation for what I've done to myself. For cutting Nox out of my life.
The climax begins and I pull my toy away, denying myself. My thoughts are swimming with images of him. Nox. Fucking me up even when I've forced him to stay away. Stubbornly, I push the toy back and force myself to think of Raphael.
How unbelievably handsome he is, with his dark hair, clear brown eyes, his perfect complexion. How he towers above me, his shoulders broad, his mere presence protective. His deep voice, his calming words. He could be the one.
But he isn't.
Still, I grit my teeth and force myself to keep him on my mind. I think of Raphael as gasps escape my lips, as the inescapable orgasm threatens to rip me apart.
"Please," I whisper to nobody but myself. "Please, make me come."
I grit my teeth, knowing how very close I am. I'm almost done. And when I come without thinking of what shouldn't be on my mind, I'll be free. Free of Nox's control over me.
Except the moment I think of his name, he's back.
He laughs at me. He mocks me for thinking of someone else, when we both know he's the only one for me. His invisible fingers take the toy and bring me closer, toying with my conscience. I want it. I want this. I want him.
I fight back tears as the orgasm rips through my body. My teeth dig into my bottom lip and I silence my own scream of pleasure and frustration. My orgasm, this time, is silent.
But Nox has still won.
Chapter 35
Nox
I'm developing a new obsession. You could almost call it wholesome.
The little kid, Willa, has a tough life. She reminds me of myself, of what I went through at that age. How I found a darkness deep within me, and how I was forced to quash it down years later when my father found out. But the thing about darkness is, if you shut it out, it festers and rots. That's what happened to me, and I can’t let that happen to Willa.
I've kept my distance from her for now. I'll get in touch again soon, but first, I need to learn more about the kid and the way her life and the people around her work.