First, my father, June's mom. My brother, Kade. Then Dove. Dove's brother, Robin. Sam. Willa.
They all shaped and molded my life. And I let most of them down.
I make a solemn promise to myself to fix shit once – if – I get the fuck out of here. I'm not going to be the bad guy in all their stories. I want to make up for all my wrongdoings. One day, if I get the chance, I'll even make things right between myself, my brother, and his wife.
June hasn't crossed my mind in a long time. It's strange to think that she used to be ever-present on my mind, the object of my affection and obsession. I was blind back then. Fucking blind. Dove was right in front of me and it still took me years to realize she was the woman for me. Back then, I was obsessed with having what others said was off-limits. My father planted a deadly seed when he tried to keep me away from June Wildfox. He only made my obsession worse.
But now I don't even think about Kade or June. All my attention is focused on Dove Canterbury. Just as it should have been from the start. She occupies my mind, owns my heart and soul. In here, I have too much time to think, too many opportunities for my mind to wander back to Dove, wondering what she's doing, whether she's missing me as much as I miss her.
Days turn into weeks turn into months. A letter arrives and it takes my breath away. A single Polaroid photo slips from the envelope and I stare at it in wonder. It's Dove. Shadowed and artfully positioned, with a hand on her growing belly.
Fuck.
It takes me a moment to realize what this means. My woman is having my baby while I'm imprisoned for the murder of her brother. The way life has worked out chokes me up, makes me feel dizzy. A life taken, a new life given – a baby, a son. Because I already know she's going to give me a son.
But there's no way for me to see him, meet him. I don't want him exposed to my current environment, so as much as it fucking hurts, I don't reply to Dove, don't acknowledge what she sent me. But every fucking second I'm rotting in that jail, I'm thinking about them out there.
My family.
Hopefully, they'll still want me back if I ever get the fuck out of here.
Hearings come and go, and then, almost six months later, my trial begins.
It all passes in a bit of a blur, my mind doing its best to protect me from the viciousness of the case and trial. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, because I deserve this.
Every night, I torture myself by thinking about Robin and what I took away from him.
I plead guilty. I don't hesitate about it for a single second. I did it. I took an innocent's life, and now it's my time to fucking pay for a crime that never should have been committed.
Robin could've had a family too. Perhaps he would've settled down with that Elise woman, or maybe somebody else. He could've had children, little nieces and nephews for Dove. I took that all away from him.
I worry myself sick during the trial. I tell myself if they sentence me to die, I fucking deserve it. I took something I shouldn't have. Ripped a life away from someone who deserved life more than I did. For that alone, I deserve the worst punishment our legal system has to offer.
The verdict is delivered by the jury. Dove isn't in the room – it's closed to the public. The case hasn't garnered much attention and Hodge has done his job, keeping my name out of the papers. If I ever get out of here, my life could go back to normal.
They find me guilty of all charges. I await the sentence with bated breath. When it comes, I'm almost disappointed.
They haven't sentenced me to die. The head of the jury tells the judge they see a desire in me to better myself. They're going to be merciful.
The judge rules – fifteen years in prison, with the possibility of parole at five.
It's a long fucking time, but anything is better than the death sentence. I'm led away in handcuffs, my shoulders slumped. I'm going to pay for all my crimes in here. Even though the police only know about Robin, I need to repent for what I did to Hodge's daughter, and to my twin and stepsister, too.
I'm led back to my cell. My cellmates have been changing, but I'm informed I'm being moved soon, to a calmer, less dangerous block. That's a small relief. Ever since I've been attacked, I've been worried how the fuck I was going to survive years of being locked up in this hellhole.