Seeing my amusement, though, she stopped and held the cup out to me. “Knock yourself out.”
With a sweep of my hand, I had all of the pregnancy test boxes next to me, and then I was tearing into them. My teeth bit into ten foil packages, helping me rip them open, and I used my teeth again to pull the blue tops off the tests before spitting them off to the side.
“Excited much?”
Grinning up at my wife, I smiled back at her, the love I felt for her almost smothering me, like it did every day. “You have no idea.”
One by one, I dipped those things into the cup. Sure, Heidi could have peed on them, but she wouldn’t have been able to do all ten. I wanted to see the word ‘pregnant’ on all of them. It was important to me.
Lining them up in a row, I got up onto my knees and blindly reached for the faucet, not wanting to take my eyes off them for a second. I was only just aware of Heidi moving around and the toilet flushing, and then she was standing behind me and was washing my hands for me.
“They’re not going to disappear, Bond.”
“They might. What if the result flashes up on them, and I miss it?”
Instead of laughing at my naivety, Heidi soothingly rubbed my shoulder. “The word stays on the screen for however long the screen lasts for, honey. My friend had hers for two years before it died.”
“What if they’re faulty?”
Squatting down next to me, she shrugged, “Then you’ve got nine others to back it up. At least let yourself blink.”
Then, adjusting to a seated position next to me, Heidi leaned forward and joined me in the pee stick watching fun.
“Why aren’t they doing anything? See, I told you they were faulty,” I snapped, moving to get up. “I’m going to the store to get some more. You go drink some wa—”
“Bond,” she hissed, grabbing my arm and tugging me back down onto my knees. “They’re changing. Look!”
Sure enough, letters were forming on the screens.
Slowly, each screen showed the same result. Pregnant.
“Fuck me,” I breathed, pressing my hand against my chest. Was I too young to have a heart attack? Did those things happen to thirty-four/almost thirty-five-year-olds?
I could feel Heidi watching the side of my head and slowly turned to face her, seeing the happiness and shock I was feeling reflected back at me.
“Congratulations, Daddy!”
“Fuck me,” I repeated, gasping in air as soon as the words were out. It wasn’t enough, my own happiness was suffocating me, and it was making me so lightheaded I fell down to my back on the bathroom floor. “I can’t— Holy shit!”
“I don’t know what you’re so upset about,” Heidi hissed, her easy demeanor from only seconds ago replaced by a spitting kitten. “I’m the one squeezing it out. Have you seen how big your damn brothers are? And you’re hardly small, Bond.
“Your mom told me how big y’all were at birth, and I remember a woman telling me a baby’s weight is closer to their father’s than their mother’s when I was having Nemi. Do you know what that means for my poor oonie?” She tipped her head back and yelled, “God, it’s going to be a massacre.”
I guess, when she put it like that, she did deserve to be the one having the freakout. I’d do it later when I was at work or driving or even having a shower.
Sitting back up, I pulled her onto my lap and hugged her, gently rocking her to settle her down.
Unfortunately, she had a point. We were fucking giant babies when we were all born.
Twenty-five years later…
“You have to let her go now, honey,” Heidi reminded me, trying to get my arms to let go of Nemi. “Remember, you told him he could marry her.”
I wasn’t budging. “I was lying.”
Nemi’s white lace-covered torso jerked as she choked out a laugh through the quiet sobs that’d been wracking her body. “Dad, I’m not going far. You’ll still see me every day.”
Like I gave a shit about that. Well, yeah, I did, but that wasn’t the point.
“He’s not good enough for you. Why don’t you come home with me, and we’ll put Pirates Of The Caribbean? We can watch all of them and pig out on junk food. I’ll even let you paint my nails. We haven’t done that in ages. It’ll be more fun than this.”
Nemi snickered softly as she wiped her face and looked up at me through still teary eyes. “Actually, we did that two w—”
I was only just in time to cover her mouth from revealing the truth with my brothers, their sons, my two sons, Dad, Antonis, and Joel, in the room. Those evil bastards would never let it go.
Frowning at the amusement on all of their faces, I said to Heidi, “There’s a lot of testosterone in this room. I thought this was the bridal suite?”