Tell Me You Want Me

With my fingers tapping aimlessly on the keys, I have to snap myself out of it. Not that it matters; we’re on a freeze with clients this week. I could lose my shit and it wouldn’t make a difference in productivity. The only work that’s getting done is paperwork and severance packages. I could be a nervous wreck like the rest of the office, or I can fantasize about the clock turning six.

Every day, I rock back and forth between the two of them.

A light knock at my door takes me out of my thoughts. A young brunette in joggers and a flowy tank stands in my doorway.

“Maddie,” I say, greeting my friend for lunch. “I was wondering when you were going to get here.” My chair rolls to the left as I push my keyboard to the side to make room for takeout.

Passing me a brown paper bag she sighs and says, “Sorry. Traffic was hell.”

She’s gorgeous, as she always is, but there’s a sad curve to her mouth. “You okay?”

She takes the seat across the desk from me and opens her bag in her lap, waving me off with the other hand. “I think I need a man or a really good vibrator.”

“I vote vibrator,” I joke with a short laugh, unrolling the top of the bag without taking my eyes off Maddie. She’s young, naive, and a romantic. A.k.a. the prime suspect for assholes. She barely cracks a smile. “Is that dipshit Daniel still on your mind?”

Maddie groans. “He’s always on my mind, and I can’t get him off of it. It’s not fair. Why did such a shitty person have to get so far into my head?”

“That’s how it always seems to be. The worse the person is for you, the more you think about them.”

* * *

“Let’s go out and go man shopping tonight. There’s a new club down on Madison Avenue. It’s like my grandmom always said, get over one by getting under another.” She takes a bite out of her turkey club and guilt washes over me.

I haven’t told Maddie about Adrian yet, and it seems like a betrayal of our friendship, almost. Suddenly I have no appetite. The chicken caesar wrap stays at the bottom of the bag.

I’m not sure what I would tell her. Being discreet means not blabbing your business to anyone who’d listen. I wince at the thought. Maddie’s not just a random person. She’s my friend, one of very few, and she’s been my friend for far longer than I’ve known Adrian.

“I’ve looked up Lucifer,” I joke. “He’s hot as hell.”

“Why don’t you cuddle up to him?” Maddie half teases although her tone is dull. Her large doe eyes twinkle as she grins, pausing between bites to say, “Get a little action. Save the day. You’d be the office hero.”

“The office needs a hero,” I comment, keeping my tone light. “Everyone’s nervous about their jobs now that entire divisions have been laid off.”

My department has kept the same workload, but four people have been taken for interviews. Not by Adrian himself, but by some team he hired.

“Speaking of heroes,” Maddie says, and then she talks about the new TV show she’s been watching on HBO for the rest of the time we’re eating. I’m grateful for the change in subject and somehow I’ve gotten out of going to the club with her this weekend. It’s pleasant conversation and a much-needed break in the day. The wrap was decent too although I barely tasted it.

All I could think is that I should tell her. Maddie would keep my secrets and maybe she would smack some sense into me.

I know part of the reason I don’t is because of that very fact: She would give her opinion, and what if it’s to stop seeing him? What if she says it’s wrong and it’s going to end in failure and heartbreak? She’s the romantic of the group, and yet I don’t even have faith she would approve.

When she’s gone, there’s a small fire under my ass. A need to prove there’s nothing at all wrong with it. We work during the day, play at night. I haven’t changed who I am and there’s nothing wrong with it.

This feeling that everything’s up in the air isn’t good for my productivity or anyone else’s, and the only way to know what’s going to happen is to ask him directly. And it’s not six yet, so business is business.

Every single time I gather the courage to demand answers or terms, to know what the hell is going on so I have something I can tell everyone who needs answers, there are people in his office.

Adrian’s secretary furrows her brow whenever I pass close to her desk. On my third trip, I decide to ask her what she knows. I imagine she’s got to know something, given how close she works to Adrian. And any little piece of info I can bring back would be a win. “Hi there,” I say, greeting her with a smile. Laying on the charm. “I’m Suzette. You’re new to the company.” My hip rests against her desk.