He didn’t mind.
The embarrassing, shameful truth made Gabriel’s cheeks warm. He knew it was terribly selfish. He couldn’t be pleased that Jared had unrequited feelings for him—and he wasn’t. Jared was the nicest person he knew. There wasn’t anyone in the world who deserved happiness more than Jared. But Gabriel couldn’t deny that a part of him liked that Jared wasn’t in love with anyone else. If he were honest with himself, before he’d discovered that Jared had feelings for him, he’d been afraid Jared would fall in love with some undeserving idiot and that idiot would take Jared away from him. Now no one could.
Gabriel shook his head with a grimace. Sometimes these selfish thoughts sickened even him. Maybe the British media was right: maybe he really was an egoistic asshole.
A dog howled outside.
The howl went on and on, and Gabriel felt a shiver of unease run down his spine. It reminded him of the old Ukrainian orphanage, and of cold nights spent curled under a thin blanket, wishing for something he could call his. Until Jared, he’d never had something that was truly his. Well, for a brief three years, his adoptive parents, the DuVals, were his—sort of. They had been kind enough people but not very good parents: always too busy traveling around the world as volunteers to pay much attention to their adopted kids. Gabriel had never grown to love them. He wondered what it said about him that the only thing he had felt when he’d found out about his adoptive parents’ death was indifference. He had used to wonder if something was fundamentally wrong with him, if he was incapable of loving people. He no longer did. He could love people. He loved Claire. And Jared. He loved Jared a bit too much for his liking.
The dog howled outside again, a mournful howl. The feeling of loneliness crept up inside of him, like a long lost friend. Loneliness and something worse: fear.
Careful not to wake Claire, Gabriel slipped out of the bed and left the bedroom.
The second floor of the small house was completely dark. He went downstairs, shivering a little as his bare feet touched the cold floor.
The fire was dying in the fireplace and the glowing embers barely lit the living room. Jared was asleep on the couch by the fireplace, a half-empty bottle still grasped in his hand.
Gabriel walked closer. His eyes traveled over the familiar features and dark stubble on the square jaw. Jared’s face was peaceful, free of harsh lines or worries, but even in sleep, he looked a little sad and dejected.
Gabriel’s throat closed up.
The wind howled; the snowstorm was still raging outside.
He sat on the couch next to Jared and put his head on his shoulder. He breathed in, letting Jared’s familiar scent wash over him. It was usually enough to calm him, but this time, the fear in the pit of his stomach only worsened.
He would lose Jared. Sooner or later, Jared would decide he couldn’t do it anymore. He would leave him.
Gabriel burrowed deeper into Jared’s side, wrapping his arm around his waist.
Jared stirred in his sleep. “Gabe?” His voice was a hoarse murmur. “What are you doing here?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” Gabriel said. “You know I hate snowstorms. And this house is cold. I was freezing.”
“All the more reason to stay in a warm bed,” Jared said.
He didn’t sound drunk. How long had he been asleep?
Gabriel just hummed something non-committal and snuggled in closer. Jared smelled good. He always smelled good.
“Cuddle-slut,” Jared said with a chuckle.
“Shut up. I’m cold.”
Jared sneaked his arm around his torso, pulling him practically onto his lap.
Gabriel let out a contented noise. He was warm now. “Mmm, much better,” he said into Jared’s neck.
“I live to serve,” Jared said dryly.
Gabriel wondered how Jared could do this. How could he pretend all the time? How could he be so nice to Claire? It had to be hard—and exhausting. It couldn’t go on forever. Jared was the strongest person he knew, but everyone had a snapping point. Everyone.
Gabriel stared at the glowing red embers of a dying fire. Lately, Claire had been trying to bring up marriage and babies. He’d been avoiding the topics as hard as he could, but he couldn’t do it forever without hurting her. It wasn’t that he didn’t love Claire; he did. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to have kids; he did. Having a family of his own had always been something he wanted. But they were too young. What was the rush?
And if he gave in to her wishes, Jared would…Would Jared stay? Could he do that to Jared?
Let him go. It was Alexander’s voice, hard and angry. If you really love him, you’ll stop being a selfish shit and let go.
Gabriel squirmed, tightening his arm around Jared’s middle.