Just a Bit Unhealthy (Straight Guys 3)

Jared closed his eyes. “Don’t.”

Gabriel wrapped his other arm around Jared’s waist. “You can’t say I don’t feel it only because I don’t want you that way. I—” His voice thickened. “I love you in every way that matters. I love you so much it fucking scares me.” His voice dropped, becoming barely audible. “I shouldn’t love you more than Jules and Claire.”

“Don’t be silly. You don’t love me more than them.”

The laugh that left Gabriel’s lips was strained. “Jules had blue eyes and dark hair at birth, you know. Claire told me the eye and hair color might change, but I didn’t believe it. But then they started changing and I…I was so disappointed. I felt so bad about it, you have no idea. I tried to hide it from Claire, didn’t want to upset her, but somehow she knew and she got so mad. We had a huge fight. She yelled at me that I should have let you knock me up if I wanted a son that looks like you.”

Christ.

“It’s not at all like I imagined,” Gabriel said quietly into his shoulder. His fingers played with the buttons of Jared’s shirt. “I used to think having a family would be amazing, but—but it’s not. The baby cries all the time, and Claire…we’ve been fighting off and on. About little things, things like we think the other said something and we take it the wrong way—minor things like that, but lately it’s been worse. Much worse. I’m not even sure why. Everything just feels wrong and pointless, you know? It sounds horrible, but sometimes…sometimes I wish they would both disappear. And then I feel like such an asshole.”

Jared put a hand over Gabriel’s and stroked his knuckles.

Sighing, Gabriel twined their fingers together.

Jared stared blankly at the carpet, wondering how a person who could never be truly his could feel so right. The simple act of holding Gabriel’s hand was far more satisfying than it had any right to be. It fit perfectly in his.

It was almost silent apart from the distant noises coming from further down the hall, and it would be so easy to pretend the outside world didn’t exist. For a time. And that was the problem. It could only be for a time.

“Come back with me,” Gabriel whispered suddenly. “Please.”

“I can’t. It would never work.”

Gabriel squeezed his hand. “We’ll make it work.”

Jared smiled without humor. “How?”

Gabriel didn’t reply immediately. “You liked kissing me, right?”

Jared blinked slowly before looking at Gabriel’s head on his shoulder.

Gabriel seemed a bit uncomfortable, a faint flush on his cheekbones, but he met Jared’s eyes firmly. “I’m serious. Come back and I’ll do everything to make you happy.”

Jared opened and closed his mouth several times before he could finally speak. “Everything,” he said flatly.

Gabriel nodded, chewing on his lip. “Within reason,” he said, awkwardly.

“Within reason,” Jared repeated.

Gabriel gave him a wary look. “Why are you angry with me?”

“Can’t you guess?”

Gabriel lifted his head from Jared’s shoulder and sat straighter. “Look,” he said, not letting go of Jared’s hand.

“Look,” Gabriel said again. “I know it may sound crazy, but just think about it. You can pretend to be ‘happy’ with that guy all you want, but it won’t last. I tried to lie, too. I pretended to be happy for Claire’s sake and sometimes I managed it, but it was exhausting and made me feel even shittier. You aren’t happy. If you really were happy with him, you wouldn’t touch me the way you did.” Gabriel’s voice softened, an expression of confusion and wonder appearing on his face. “You wouldn’t still look at me the way you do.”

Jared didn’t even want to know. “Gabe—”

“No, hear me out,” Gabriel said, squeezing his hand and looking him in the eye. “I can make you happy. I can. I will, or at least I’ll try my damnedest. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. We can make it work.”

Swearing, Jared freed his hand and got to his feet. He hated that a part of him wanted to accept whatever Gabriel was offering him, regardless of how crazy and unrealistic it was.

“It would never work,” Jared said.

“Why?” Gabriel sounded frustrated now.

“Because you’re straight,” Jared gritted out. “You might think sex isn’t important, but it is. It is important. I don’t want you to let me touch you out of pity.”

Gabriel made an annoyed noise and got to his feet, too. He stepped closer to Jared, so they were almost chest to chest. “It’s not pity, silly,” Gabriel said, taking Jared’s hand and lifting it to his cheek. He turned his head to kiss Jared’s palm.

Jared stiffened.

“I like it,” Gabriel said, looking a bit embarrassed. “I like when you touch me. Yeah, sure, I don’t like it that way, but I enjoy it. I always like having your hands on me. And when you just kissed me…I’m not gonna deny it wasn’t weird—it was—but…but I liked it. I liked it, okay?”