To make things worse, it felt like Sebastian was suddenly everywhere: Vlad kept seeing billboard ads with Sebastian all the goddamn time. He hated them, hated looking at them, hated the sultry looks Sebastian gave to the camera—to other people. Acid jealousy burned his insides when he wondered if Sebastian was with someone else at the moment, if he was smiling at them, if he was letting other people touch him, kiss him, look at him sleep—
Vlad sprang to his feet and started pacing the room.
Whatever is wrong with you, fix it.
The funny thing was, he hadn’t actually intended to end things with Sebastian. He had simply wanted to talk to him—Sebastian was the only person he felt remotely comfortable with to discuss his sexuality—but Sebastian had taken it the wrong way, interpreting Vlad’s discomfort as the desire to end things. After Sebastian suggested ending their arrangement, looking so fucking unbothered, Vlad could hardly say that he didn’t want to end it.
Maybe he should have.
And then what? Sebastian clearly didn’t want anything permanent with him. Hell, if he were in Sebastian’s shoes, he wouldn’t want anything permanent with him, either.
Vlad came to an abrupt halt.
Did he want something permanent with Sebastian?
His heart started beating faster. He thought of being able to call Sebastian his, of being able to spend as much time with Sebastian as he wanted, of being the only man to touch him, to kiss him, to fuck him. He liked the idea. He liked it very much.
But while his heart and his body were fully on board, he was a little queasy at the idea of a relationship with a man and doubted he would be any good for Sebastian.
Vlad sighed. Well, listening to his brain only had turned him into one miserable fuck.
Maybe it was time to be irrational and go for what he wanted.
The question was whether he could convince Sebastian that they would work together when he couldn’t entirely convince even himself.
Sebastian had said they could be friends.
At the time he had discarded the idea as ridiculous. For the first time, Vlad gave it some real thought. If they were friends, he wouldn’t be able to touch, but he would be able to see Sebastian, to look at him as much as he wanted. This way he wouldn’t hurt Sebastian by dicking him around.
Maybe they really were better off as friends.
Now if only he could figure out how to keep his greedy hands to himself.
Chapter 26
The house was lit up by Christmas lights.
Vlad stared at it for a good five minutes before slowly walking toward the front door.
He could see silhouettes of people in the windows and tried to imagine Christmas celebrations. He’d never celebrated Christmas in his life. He didn’t have a family to celebrate it with. Not to mention that in Russia Christmas was celebrated in January and it was mainly a religious event, the importance of the holiday nowhere as big.
He’d never felt more like an outsider than he had lately, as everyone around him seemed to be immersed in Christmas festivities. Even Roman was humoring Luke and celebrating Christmas with him.
Vlad stopped in front of the door and hesitated. Maybe he should go and return some other day. As he understood it, Christmas was a family holiday. He was unlikely to be welcome.
But he had been putting off this visit for too long. He had toyed with the idea of calling Sebastian, but he had no idea what to say. He needed to see him. He couldn’t wait any longer or his Christmas present for Sebastian would be useless—if Sebastian even accepted it.
Vlad took a deep breath and knocked.
A few minutes passed before the door finally opened. It was Sebastian’s sister.
Julia’s smile faded when she saw him. “You!”
Vlad raised his brows. “Me?”
“What do you want?” Julia said. Her eyes were just like her brother’s—dark and big—but Vlad had never seen such a cold expression in Sebastian’s. If Vlad hadn’t been on the receiving end of Roman’s ice-cold glares for half of his life, he might have been intimidated by hers.
“Is Sebastian here?” Vlad said.
“What’s it to you?” Julia said, stepping out and closing the door behind her. She crossed her arms over her chest.
Vlad felt like an asshole wearing a winter jacket while she was in a thin cardigan. It wasn’t particularly cold, but it was snowing.
“Here, take my jacket,” he said, unzipping it, but her cutting words stopped him.
“I don’t want anything from you,” Julia said. “Leave. You have some nerve to show up here.”
“I’m not going anywhere without seeing Sebastian,” he said, a little confused by her hostility. Even if Sebastian had told his sister what had transpired between them, he must have told her that their relationship had been casual.
Julia pursed her lips. “What do you need him for? Need someone to suck your prick?”