“He is,” Ryan said, throwing an arm around James. “Come on, prove it to Zach’s boy.” He hooked his finger on the waistband of Jamie’s trunks. “Take it off, show him.”
James didn’t move.
“You’re so gay,” Tristan said. “And I’m not Zach’s boy.”
“Says the guy who moans my brother’s name every goddamn night.” Ryan grinned and said in a ridiculous falsetto, “Oh yeah, Zach, harder—”
Tristan grabbed a Red Bull and threw it at his head.
Ryan ducked.
“I don’t sound like that!” Tristan said.
Zach was laughing. “You kinda do.”
“I hate you,” Tristan grumbled before glowering at Ryan. “Even if I am, you two are still gayer.”
Ryan didn’t look impressed, all traces of amusement gone from his face. He sighed. “All right, it’s fun and all, but it’s really getting old,” he said, starting to sound seriously irritated. “There’s such thing as friendship, you know. I mean, I love this git for some reason,”—he smirked when James elbowed him—“but even thinking of him that way grosses me out. It would be like shagging a brother.”
James forced out a wan smile. “Yep. Like shagging a twin. Gross. I mean, have you seen him naked?” His voice sounded good—lighthearted and playful—and no one could probably tell he felt like someone had shoved their fist down his throat and squeezed his heart, hard. Brother.
Brother.
Ryan grinned and planted a loud, obnoxiously wet kiss on Jamie’s cheek. “I’m hot and you know it, babe.”
Sometimes he fucking hated Ryan.
Jamie thought he rolled his eyes and made a suitably disgusted face, but he wasn’t sure. His face felt wooden. Like a broken toy’s.
“Like shagging a twin?” Tristan said, wiggling his eyebrows. “You guys ever heard of twincest?”
“You’re a terrible person,” Ryan said with a pinched look.
“Yep,” James managed after a moment. Get a goddamn grip, Grayson.
“He is,” Zach said with a laugh.
Tristan elbowed him in the ribs and Zach smiled.
“But he’s my terrible person,” Zach said, dropping a kiss on Tristan’s head.
Tristan hid his face in Zach’s shoulder. “You’re turning into a sap,” he said, the tips of his ears turning red.
James smiled. He teased Tristan for blushing. He laughed. He ribbed Tristan for being so sweet on Zach. He did and said all the expected things. Things Ryan would expect him to do. But it all felt distant, like some other person was doing the talking, the smiling, the laughing.
Like a brother… Thinking of him that way grosses me out…
He felt sick. Maybe he was sick.
“All right, that’s enough,” Zach said suddenly, a touch of steel appearing in his voice. His arm around Tristan tightened. “Leave him alone.”
Ryan exchanged a look with James and motioned with his head. They swam away to the other end of the pool.
“Strange bloke,” James commented quietly, without looking at Ryan. His nerves still felt frayed, a familiar hollow feeling spreading through his chest. He knew he must keep talking, must distract Ryan, because otherwise Ryan would notice something was off. He always did. They had always been attuned to each other.
Ryan leaned back against the side of the pool. “He makes Zach happy,” he said with a shrug. “So I guess Tristan is all right. Actually, I think—”
“I’m gay,” James blurted out.
Silence.
He didn’t dare look at Ryan.
“What?”
James shrugged, wrapping his arms around his chest. “I’m gay,” he repeated quieter.
He inhaled as the familiar weight and pressure of Ryan’s hand appeared on his neck. Reluctantly, James turned his head to meet his friend’s eyes.
Ryan was staring at him, his black brows furrowed and his jaw set. “Why haven’t you told me sooner? Don’t you trust me?”
“Of course I do,” James said, averting his eyes.
Ryan took his chin with his fingers and tipped it up. James wasn’t short by any means, but the three inches Ryan had on him forced him to look up a little.
“Jamie,” Ryan said, managing to sound both soft and angry. “Did you really think I would care? I don’t give a shit, you prat.”
James produced a wan smile. God, why did it still hurt so much after all these years? He’d known Ryan wouldn’t care, but as long as Ryan didn’t explicitly say that, he could have a futile, ridiculous hope that Ryan would. Well, he couldn’t now. Not anymore.
“It just isn’t something people know about me,” James said.
“I didn’t think I was people,” Ryan said sharply, a possessive edge to his voice.
James gave him an unimpressed look, his smile becoming more genuine. “We’ve talked about it, you big baby. I’m not your little brother and you don’t have to know everything about me.” Ryan had always been like that: overly protective and possessive of him ever since they were kids. Like a big brother, even though Ryan was only a month older than him. He’d never quite outgrown it.
Jamie couldn’t deny that a part of him liked the intensity of Ryan’s affection for him, but mostly it just made him uncomfortable as hell, because that affection was very brotherly. It made him feel like a sick pervert for wanting to suck Ryan’s dick while Ryan thought of him as his brother.