Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys 5)

“There’s something different about you,” she said, as if reading his thoughts. “You seem…Sometimes I look at you and it’s like I don’t even know you.”

You and me both.

The truth was, he didn’t know what kind of person Ryan Hardaway was without James Grayson in his life.

It was time to find out.

Behind him, the fireworks went off in the backyard and people cheered.

“Happy New Year, Ryan,” Hannah said with a soft smile. Her blond hair shone brightly.

A New Year. A new beginning.

Ryan forced out a smile, trying to ignore the nagging sense of wrongness.

If I mean anything to you, let me be. Be happy.

He had to try.

Chapter 21

Hannah wanted to take things slowly and not to rush into a relationship again. She wanted to restore the trust between them.

Ryan understood.

And deep down, he couldn’t deny he felt a little relieved.

* * *

They didn’t have sex. They didn’t kiss. They went on friendly dates.

More often than not, they watched movies. They sat next to each other, their eyes glued to the TV screen, their bodies inches apart. It should have felt familiar, but it didn’t. A month ago, he would have taken her hand. A month ago, she would have put her head on his shoulder. Now there was something awkward in the air, something hard and broken.

One evening, he tried, anyway. He took her hand. Her fingers were slim and dainty.

Four minutes later, he let go and curled his hand by his thigh.

He cleared his throat and said, “You want a drink?”

“No,” Hannah said, her tone very neutral. “And you shouldn’t either.”

His jaw tightened.

He said nothing.

They barely looked at each other for the rest of the evening.

After she finally left, he grabbed a beer out of the fridge, threw himself on the couch and brought the bottle to his lips.

* * *

Three weeks into the new year, Hannah kissed him.

Her lips were soft and familiar. Laying a hand on her nape, Ryan kissed back. When he delved his tongue deeper into her mouth, she didn’t shiver. She didn’t lean into the touch like she was starved for it. She didn’t make a sound at the mere graze of his thumb against her ear.

When he pulled back, her blue eyes weren’t glazed over with shameless desire. She was just a little breathless.

Ryan stared at her and wondered what the fuck was wrong with him.

Hannah sighed. “Yeah, I thought so.” She looked resigned and a little sad. “I think it’s pretty clear there’s no point for us to get back together.”

Ryan leaned back against the couch and rubbed his brow. He had one hell of a headache. Maybe he shouldn’t have drunk so much at Gary’s party. It usually took a lot to get him hungover.

“You aren’t even surprised,” Hannah said. “You could have at least pretended to be surprised.”

“I’ve been a dick for weeks, Hannah,” he said. “If I were you, I wouldn’t want me, either.”

“You’re not a dick,” Hannah said. “But you aren’t the man I fell in love with. Not anymore.” She shook her head. “You broke my heart once already and you didn’t give me any explanation. Yet I gave you a second chance, but it’s been almost a month and I see no enthusiasm in you. It’s like you expect us to work without any effort from you. Like I’m not worth the effort. Like I’m easy.”

“I don’t think you’re easy.”

Her voice softened. “I’m not blind, you know. Your heart isn’t in it. We women can feel these things. Sometimes you’re so cold and unfeeling it’s hard to believe you’re the same easy-going, attentive man I fell in love with. I don’t remember the last time you smiled. You smoke too much. You drink too much. It’s not healthy, Ryan.” She frowned, her pale brows drawing together. “I feel—I feel darkness in you, something that wasn’t there before. It’s like something has sucked the light out of you. Your eyes are harder now. It freaks me out sometimes.”

Sighing, Ryan ran a hand over his face, his shoulders slouching forward. He thought back to the past month. Yeah, he could see where she was coming from. When he wasn’t apathetic, he had little control over his temper these days. He was irritable on a good day and worse than that on bad days, and lately bad days far outnumbered the good ones. Hell, only yesterday he and Nick had come to blows after some harmless remark Nick made.

“What’s wrong with you?” Hannah asked quietly, touching his shoulder. She smelled of flowers. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

Ryan almost smiled. Everyone around him seemed to think there was something wrong with him: his brothers, his colleagues, his friends, and now Hannah. The truth was, he wasn’t at all sure there was anything wrong with him. He was starting to suspect this was the real him. Maybe he was born an asshole and Jamie had just made him softer. Ryan cringed a little as the mere thought of Jamie brought on the barrage of conflicting thoughts and feelings he preferred not to examine too closely.