Just a Bit Confusing (Straight Guys 5)

Ryan didn’t answer, trying to make sense of his chaotic thoughts and emotions.

“Ryan?” Jamie said uncertainly, a note of fear creeping into his voice. Ryan wanted to wrap him in his arms and kiss his fears away.

Shit.

“Ryan?”

He lifted his head and looked down at Jamie.

Jamie was frowning, his blue-green eyes still soft with the afterglow but a little wary. The swollen redness of Jamie’s lips drew his gaze.

Yeah.

Bloody hell.

He laughed, as the waves of relief and elation coursed through him. “Finally.”

“What?” Jamie’s apprehension seemed to grow. “I don’t understand.”

Ryan hesitated, unsure how to explain something that barely made sense even to him. He rolled off Jamie and pulled the condom off. After throwing it into the trash, he stretched out next to Jamie and looked at him. “The past few months have been confusing as hell for me,” he murmured, laying a hand on Jamie’s belly. He couldn’t stop touching him. “I couldn’t stop thinking of you as someone to protect, my pseudo little brother I’ve loved almost my entire life. At the same time, I got off on fucking your mouth, even though I thought it was wrong to want you that way. It freaked me out. I couldn’t make sense of it. It messed with my head, and I ended up messing with your head, too.”

“And now?”

“Now I look at you and I don’t see a brother.” Ryan met his eyes. “I don’t feel like a pervert. It was all in my head. I guess it’s true what they say: that you can get used to anything if given enough time.” A smile tugged at Ryan’s lips. “I guess I got used to it a little too much. Even calling you mate feels strange now.”

“You mean…” An unmistakable spark of hope lit in Jamie’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, brushing his thumb over Jamie’s belly button. “Wanting you doesn’t feel wrong and weird anymore. Don’t get me wrong: you’ll always be my best friend, but you’re not just that. It’s not enough for me. I want more.” He smiled crookedly. “Now I feel like banging you like a screen door in a hurricane and then carrying you over the threshold. They aren’t separate things anymore. They don’t contradict each other. I want and I want to take care of you.”

Jamie didn’t smile back. He looked confused, frowning. “But…but what about Hannah? I thought you wanted to get back together with her. I told you to go back to her.”

Sighing, Ryan circled his thumb around Jamie’s belly button. “We tried, but we didn’t fit anymore.” He hesitated before admitting, “I was a mess without you.”

“Yeah?” Jamie sounded very pleased, the prick.

“Yeah,” Ryan said with a rueful smile. “I might have been a dick to everyone. Hannah wasn’t impressed. In the end we agreed we’d be better off as friends.”

Jamie studied him. “Any regrets?”

Ryan didn’t hurry with his answer. He knew this was important to Jamie after he’d been on the receiving end of his anger and bitterness over his failed relationship with Hannah. Jamie deserved an honest, thought-out answer.

“I was in love with her,” he said at last. “I thought she could be it for me.” Jamie’s gaze dropped. Ryan tapped him on the belly and Jamie looked up again. “But I was wrong. Now I know it. When I lost you, she couldn’t make me happy. Nothing could.” His lips twisted. “I don’t like the person I become without you. I’m not sure I even know that person.” Feeling naked in a way that had nothing to do with exposed skin, Ryan cleared his throat. “I didn’t realize how much I needed you, how bad it would be. Didn’t realize how bad I was at functioning without you until—until you broke up with me over the fucking phone.” He glowered, still not quite over it.

A puzzled expression appeared on Jamie’s face. “I didn’t break up with you. We were never together.”

“No, we weren’t,” Ryan said with a laugh. “But it sure felt like a breakup. A much more painful one than my breakup with Hannah.”

Jamie’s face was blank. “It’s not the same, though.”

“No, it isn’t. I didn’t love her my entire life.”

Jamie’s throat worked. “Don’t, Ryan,” he said, averting his eyes. “You don’t have to. It’s enough for me that you genuinely want to be more than friends.”

Ryan stared at him. Then he rolled over, pinning Jamie under him. “Is that what you think it is?” he said, boring his eyes into Jamie’s. “That I want to be…friends with benefits?”

Jamie shrugged. “Don’t you?”

Ryan almost laughed. “It’d never be enough for me. Not with you.” He eyed Jamie’s lovely face, his features dear and familiar in ways that made his throat close up. “I love you, silly. That’s never been a question for me. You’re my everything. I want everything from you. I want to give you everything; I always have. I just couldn’t before.” Ryan frowned and corrected himself. “I thought I couldn’t.” He leaned down and kissed the corner of Jamie’s mouth, breathing him in. “I was wrong. It just took me a while to stop feeling it was sick to want you that way, too.” He brushed their lips together. “I want you.” He bit Jamie’s swollen bottom lip. “I want you so much. God, I would keep my dick in you all the time if I could.”