Just a Bit Wrecked (Straight Guys 11)

“I’m not in love with him,” he managed at last. Of course he wasn’t in love with Logan. What a ridiculous idea. Right?

“I don’t know,” Nate said, radiating skepticism. “You seem pretty heartbroken.”

“I’m heartbroken because I’m grieving my wife.”

“You have no reason to feel guilty, you know,” Nate said, not unkindly. “She’s been gone for over a year.”

Andrew turned away from Nate and stared at his own reflection. Pale. He was so pale, his eyes the only color on his face.

“You know why I feel guilty?” he said hoarsely. “Why what I feel for him can’t be normal? I loved Vivian, I adored her, but if someone told me that I could have either Vivian or him back…” He swallowed. “I’m not at all sure I’d choose my wife. I wouldn’t choose her.” There. He’d finally said those words out loud. The thought had been eating away at him for months, but he’d been holding it inside, still trying to pretend it wasn’t real.

“Oh.”

Andrew nearly laughed. Yes, oh. “So of course I fucking feel guilty. I’m the worst. She was my wife. My best friend. I loved her.”

This couldn’t be love. Dependency, need, obsession. Anything but love. He had loved Vivian. What he felt for Logan was so much more intense and raw. It couldn’t possibly be something as normal as love, right? God, he wasn’t sure of anything anymore.

It had been so comforting to think that it all had been just a phase, an unhealthy coping mechanism that would go away once he acclimated to the real world again. Well, he had acclimated to the real world, but nothing had changed about his feelings for Logan.

No, to be fair, something had changed. He was now able to function adequately without Logan. The problem was, he didn’t want to. He no longer needed Logan for the world to make sense. He just needed him, period.

I want to be with you because you make me happy.

“Did you and Logan have a falling out?” Nate said, snapping him out of his thoughts.

Andrew sighed. “No—yes. Vivian’s close friend saw us kissing, and I pushed Logan away and acted like it meant nothing. It pissed Logan off. He said he didn’t like being forced back into the closet. He clearly thought I was just being a repressed, bigoted ass.”

“And he was wrong?”

Andrew shrugged. “It wasn’t… It wasn’t really about that. I mean, my wife’s funeral had been just the other week, and then her best friend sees me making out with someone else. It looked beyond shitty. So I overreacted when Colin saw us.”

“Why didn’t you explain that to Logan?”

Andrew laughed a little. “There was no point. He said he didn’t want to deal with my mess anymore.” He swallowed the lump in his throat. Tried to. “He said he didn’t want me.”

“And you believed him? If you weren’t honest with him, what makes you think he was being honest with you?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Andrew said after a moment. “I’m not—I don’t want to be a burden to someone who doesn’t want me.”

Nate made a thoughtful sound. “I get it, but have you considered that it might have been just a misunderstanding? He misunderstood why you didn’t want to be seen with him, got angry, and said that he didn’t want you, either, just to protect himself. It’s human nature.”

Andrew frowned.

“Think about it,” Nate said and left.

Chapter 24

Andrew thought about it.

It was all he thought about for the next two weeks.

Could Nate be right? Could Logan maybe not have meant it when he’d said he didn’t want him?

He hated himself for even entertaining the thought, hated that he was unable to quash the hope that rose up in him.

He found himself staring at Logan’s number at night, his thumb hovering over it until it was shaking with discomfort.

It was stupid. Even if Logan really had wanted him back then, he might have moved on by now. It had been nearly four months. And Andrew still had no idea if he could be honest with Logan about how he really felt when he could barely be honest with himself. I can live without you, but I don’t want to. I feel guilty that I need you more than I’ve ever needed my wife. I feel guilty, because I’m scared I wouldn’t be happy even if I had her back.

That night, he dreamed.

He dreamed of Vivian.

They were seated on the island’s beach, her head on his shoulder.

Their fingers were intertwined.

It was peaceful. Quiet.

“I know you loved me,” she said. “You made me the happiest woman in the world.” She turned her head and looked at him with her lovely eyes. She smiled, touching his face. “It’s okay. I want you to be happy, silly.” She brushed her lips against his, the touch affectionate and warm. “Loving someone is always scary. But I know you’re brave. Be brave, sweetheart.”