So did the guilt. She’d allowed Mike to enter a dangerous situation without telling him the truth. She loved him. Whether or not she was capable of committing to that love, regardless of the fact that he hadn’t been, he’d deserved to know.
What if something terrible happened again, only this time he didn’t make it? Then he would never know someone in his life truly loved him.
Loved him and essentially abandoned him, just as he believed his parents had. Laying her head in her hands, Carly wept. For Mike and for herself.
* * *
There was no way she would let her past control her future. Carly drew a deep breath and followed her father into his study. The decision to come here hadn’t been easy, but it had been inevitable. She couldn’t find herself as a person or have a life if she was still mired in her adolescent pain.
She knew without asking that she and her father would have the opportunity to talk in private. Her mother hadn’t missed a weekly card game in fifteen years. Carly glanced around at the rich mahogany bookshelves her father had had installed when he’d moved out of the city to Westchester County. Though he still kept his apartment in Manhattan, it was more a place for weekend stays and work emergencies than his home.
She glanced around. Nothing in this room had changed since she was a teenager. Nothing and everything, just like her life. She clenched her fists. Her father stood across the room, obviously waiting for her to speak. When it became clear she didn’t know where to start, he cleared his throat “I was surprised when you called and asked if you could come. Most daughters don’t need permission to visit their fathers.”
She turned to face him. “I’m not most daughters... and you’re not most fathers.”
“No, I’m not.” His easy agreement surprised her, and she studied him more closely. His light hair was now more silver than tawny in color, and the dark circles beneath his eyes were a bit more prominent. But overall he looked well.
She couldn’t have this conversation standing up, so she gestured toward the couch and chairs in the center of the room. She chose her favorite seat as a child, an oversized, beat-up leather club chair and ottoman. Her father sat on the matching chair beside her.
“So...” She curled her feet beneath her.
“So. If you’re here, there’s a reason. What can I do to make it better?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“I’m assuming you need something. Or someone to talk to, and picked me.”
“Why would you think that?” Her relationship with Mike, such as it was, and her fear of passion and commitment weren’t things she’d expect her father to be aware of. Funny how she’d accused Mike of being incapable of commitment when she suffered from the same thing herself. She just hadn’t known it at the time. Commitment to Peter wasn’t the same as commitment to someone she loved with her whole heart and soul. That frightened her to death.
Roger cleared his throat. “We had a company cocktail party a few nights ago. Peter mentioned that his brother was back overseas.”
Carly tensed. “So?”
“So, I met with Mike. He’s nothing like his brother.”
She smiled. “I know.”
“Judging by that glowing look on your face, I’d say that’s a good thing. You can’t be happy he’s gone.”
“And you think I’m here to talk about my love life?”
He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and a sheepish look crossed his face. “When you called, I didn’t know what to think. But I knew if I didn’t push, we wouldn’t make any progress. I’m sorry if I’m prying.” Apparently after all this time, father-daughter talks didn’t come easy for him either.
She sighed. “You’re not. I’m here, so we might as well say what’s on our minds.”
“Well, Pete seems to think you sent Mike away because of the pain he had caused you. He tends to ramble on when he has my ear, but I wondered.”
Laughter bubbled inside her, breaking some of her inner tension. Startled, her father’s shocked gaze met hers. “Who else but Peter would think so highly of himself?” she asked. “As if my whole life was affected by what he did.”
Her father chuckled but sobered fast. “I know better than to think that. Your whole life was affected by what I did. And I wish it was ego talking, but it isn’t.”
Leave it to her father, the straight-talking attorney, to force the issue and conversation to the real reason she’d come. “Well, knowing Peter, he probably believes I lost endless nights of sleep mourning him.”
Roger smiled back at her. “In his favor, I think he was trying to make amends between us by feeding me information I could use to approach you.”
“Always look for an ulterior motive,” she cautioned, still smiling. To her surprise, she and Roger were sharing an honest father-daughter moment. A rarity in her life. “I’ll bet he even thinks I turned to Mike on the rebound.”
“You didn’t.” More statement than question, Roger looked Carly in the eye.