She sighed, knowing she’d better get used to his presence. He wasn’t going anywhere.
FIVE
Sunlight streamed through the blinds in Nikki’s bedroom. She’d managed to toss and turn all afternoon, but she’d gotten no sleep. The night shift loomed long ahead of her. Nikki pulled on her boots, then had to rest until the exhaustion subsided.
“Why don’t you take the night off?” Janine walked into Nikki’s room and stood in the doorway.
“Because I need every dollar I can make.” Nikki glanced up from her seat on the bed. “So tell me how long you knew?”
Janine shrugged. “Awhile. But until you were ready to face what your body was telling you, I figured I was better off keeping my mouth shut.”
“And bring
ing Kevin back into my life.”
“He’s the baby’s father.”
“And I would have told him—once I figured it out for myself. This way I have no breathing room.” In fact if she allowed herself, Nikki thought she’d suffocate from the entire situation. “I have no time to think about the best way to handle things because he’s trying to take control.”
Janine walked into the room, her sneakers squeaking against the hardwood floor as she moved toward Nikki. “And this is a bad thing?” She parked herself beside Nikki on the down comforter on the bed. “If a man wants to help take care of you, I say you should let him.”
Forcing a deep breath, Nikki gathered her thoughts before trying to explain. Nikki and Janine weren’t all that different in what they wanted out of life. Family and happiness. It wasn’t that Janine wanted or even needed a man to take care of her. She could take care of herself, but the natural extension of caring—the loving—that was what Janine lost when Tony died.
What Nikki would never have with Kevin. “You’re mistaking what Kevin feels for me. Obligation isn’t love. A sense of responsibility isn’t caring. Oh, I know he cares about me, but it isn’t enough.” She met Janine’s concerned gaze. “Tell me something. Would you have stayed with Tony if he’d gotten you pregnant but wasn’t in love with you? If you couldn’t share all those special times? The ones that are getting you through the pain now?”
Nikki grabbed for her sister-in-law’s hand. Janine had to understand, if only because Nikki was tired and needed the strength of someone else’s understanding, at least for one night.
“No, I wouldn’t have stayed with him. But apparently I have more faith in Kevin than you do. Or at least in his feelings.” Janine sighed. “The same way you didn’t know you were pregnant despite all the obvious signs? He just hasn’t gotten in touch with his feelings. Yet”
“Ever the optimist.” Nikki marveled at her sister- in-law’s strength.
Janine smiled. “When you have another life to think of first, it’s amazing how your perception of the world changes. You’ll see.”
Nikki nodded. “I agree with you.” Her hand went to her still-flat stomach. “But it’s because of this life that I have to be realistic. And counting on Kevin for more than fatherhood won’t do either of us any good.”
“I’m going to make myself something to eat,” Janine said and rose from the bed. “You know, Nicole, you’re very much like your brother. You see things one way: your way.” She shook her head, sadness etched in her features and the dejected tilt of her head. “But what happens if that tunnel vision of yours is wrong—and you count out the very people you ought to believe in?”
Nikki narrowed her eyes. “What are you saying?”
“That as well as you knew your brother, you didn’t know him at all. Because it’s too hard to see likenesses that you don’t want to face. And he didn’t trust enough. Not in me, not in his partner...”
“Tony trusted Kevin with his life,” Nikki argued. But she was unsure if it was her brother she was defending or Kevin and his lack of faith in himself. He believed he’d failed Tony. Nikki couldn’t bear it if Janine felt the same way.
Janine shook her head. “Tony trusted Kevin as much as he trusted anyone. Unfortunately, it wasn’t saying much. He shouldn’t have left Kevin behind that night and you know it.”
Nikki nodded. If her brother had waited for his partner, he might be alive today. “But I don’t get how Tony’s behavior applies to me.”
“No, you don’t And I hope you never will.”
Nikki decided to leave Janine’s riddles alone. She was too tired to make sense of them now anyway. “What are your plans?” Nikki asked.
“I’m booked on a flight at the end of the week. I want to go home and get my bearings. Decide where I want to live before I pack my things and worry about moving them.”
“I’ll help any way I can. You know that”
“I do and I appreciate it. Most I can handle alone, but Tony’s things...” Janine’s voice cracked with emotion and she drew a deep breath before continuing. “When I get back, will you help me sort through them?”
Nikki nodded, knowing it would take the strength of two people to tackle that job and was glad she had a few weeks reprieve.