She’d heard that before and rolled her eyes.
“It’s true in his case, and haven’t I been proving that lately? First Tony, then sleeping with you, getting you pregnant...”
She blinked, stunned by his logic and hurt by his words. Although she realized he hadn’t meant to wound her, he certainly had.
He’d also given her a perfect opening for both things she had to say. “Well, I can relieve you of some of that misplaced guilt. Janine was going through Tony’s personal effects from work. Did you know he’d been officially reprimanded many times for failure to follow procedure?” She reached into her bag and pulled out the stack of papers. “The latest one was given on the morning of the day he was killed.”
He folded his arms over his chest. “I wasn’t privy to anything in his private files.”
She waved the papers in front of his face, frustrated that she hadn’t cracked the stoic but self-deprecating facade he presented. “Don’t you understand what these mean? They absolve you of responsibility. Tony was my brother and I loved him, but he was a loose cannon and responsible for his own death. You two chose to stop by Max’s together, but he chose to go off without you.”
She placed the papers in his lap. “There’s one more thing,” she said, when he remained silent. “I went to speak to my advisor at the university,” she told him. “There’s no way I can complete my student teaching next year. My November due date won’t allow me to do it in the fall, and for the first six months I don’t intend to leave the baby, so the spring’s shot.”
Because her child’s welfare was of paramount importance, she’d come to terms with the fact that she’d have to rely on Kevin’s good will and financial support. No matter that she didn’t want to burden him with a marriage that wasn’t working, she forced herself to accept that he’d helped place her in this position, so she had no choice but to accept his help for his child.
He leaned closer. “I wasn’t aware you were considering going back to school. I think...”
She didn’t want to hear his opinion on her decisions. “Just hear me out. My advisor’s given me a reference. I’m going to do tutoring at some of the local elementary schools and then I plan to apply for a part-time job starting next January, when the baby’s a few months old. That way I can keep the baby with me and still work...”
“Whoa.” He held up his hand. “What’s all this about? I thought you planned on taking it easy until the baby was born.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Really? When did I say that? I hadn’t planned on taking it easy at all, until the baby’s welfare was at stake. So I quit and we got married, all for the same reasons. But when did I ever say I’d take it easy? As a matter of feet, when did I ever discuss my future plans with you at all?”
“You didn’t”
But she’d wanted to. Beyond making love, though, there hadn’t been all that many times when they’d relaxed enough for her to open up with her dreams.
“But you wanted to. You still do.”
She folded her arms over her own chest and met his gaze. “Yes, I did. I do.” Nikki held her breath. She’d thrown down the gauntlet. All that remained was for him to take—or reject it.
He rubbed his eyes, the exhaustion and pain evident in his face. “And I wish I could give you what you want.”
“But you can’t.” Lord, but the words hurt.
“Not right now, no.”
She rose to her feet “Then I can’t do this anymore. I can’t lie in that bed and pretend to be your wife. I can’t make love to you knowing that during the day that connection between us crumbles because you let it. Sex just isn’t enough to base a lifetime on.” Her hands shook but she had no pockets in which to shove her fists, no means of hiding her trembling. Or pain.
He stood up beside her. “You’re leaving me?”
She shook her head. “I wouldn’t do that. I married you, for better for worse. You gave our baby a name, you gave me the money to provide our child with a decent start in life. I owe you for that.”
“I don’t want your loyalty.”
“And I don’t want to be just an obligation to you, but we don’t always get what we want, do
we?” Shaking off the pain, at least the pain that showed, Nikki forced her voice to remain steady. “I think it’s best if I move back to my old room.”
“I don’t. If you’d just give me time...”
She splayed her hand over her stomach. It was ironic. The pregnancy that had changed her life, taken away her education, and made her rely on Kevin was the one thing in the last couple of months she couldn’t regret.
She wanted this baby. She glanced at the man she wanted. The one she couldn’t have. He wanted time. He’d had plenty of that over the last couple of months. So what if he wanted more.
She shrugged. “I’m not going anywhere, Kevin.” At least not physically. Circumstances had conspired against her. But emotionally was another story.
She’d come as far as she could, reached out as far as possible. It hadn’t been enough. And now it was time to move on.