He settled himself beside her, looking comfortable in the soft green grass. “And that’s important to you? Keeping busy?”
She nodded. “It stops me
from dwelling on things I can’t change.” And sometimes it gave her time to dwell on those same things and attempt to come to terms with herself and her life.
“Do you miss school?”
“I don’t miss being in school. I wish I had finished before... Well, let’s just say I wish I was more self-sufficient.”
He leaned forward. “I’m sorry relying on me’s so hard.”
She sighed. “It isn’t you. It’s the taking I hate. It’s not like this is a real marriage and we planned for this baby and decided I’d be a stay-at-home mom.”
“What if it were a real marriage? What if everything was exactly the way you wanted it to be? Would you get your degree and go back to work or would you stay at home with your kids?”
She narrowed her gaze. This was the most serious conversation they’d had since... well, ever. And he’d initiated it. She was curious to see where it led.
She leaned back in the grass, resting on her palms. “I’m not sure if I should answer. You’ll think I’m awfully old-fashioned.”
“I already know you’re hopelessly old-fashioned.” He laughed, a rich, vibrant sound she’d never heard before.
Hope, something she’d have sworn she no longer believed in, came springing back to life. Nikki quickly tamped it down. Just because Kevin was making small talk didn’t mean she should start weaving fantasies of forever-afters.
“Well?” he prodded.
“I’d get my degree—to have it—for me. It’s only one semester, after all. But then I’d stay home. I want my kids to have security and a mom that’s around. And I know I’d be just as fulfilled being home with my kids as I would teaching someone else’s. More so, really.”
He grinned. “That’s what I thought. And that was the easy question,” he said, sobering. “I have a tougher one.”
She shrugged. “Go for it.” She might as well humor him because he seemed comfortable and relaxed and she didn’t think he’d be leaving any time soon. Plus the longer he talked, the less time they’d have for shopping later.
“What do you want?”
Her fingers curled into the grass. “What?”
“What do you want? From life, from marriage... from me.”
He’d gone too far. She couldn’t humor him. Not anymore. Not at her own expense. Shopping for the baby was preferable to this. “Obviously you’re in a good mood, Kevin, but excuse me if I don’t want to play along.” She started to rise, but her growing stomach made a quick exit impossible and her sudden move resulted in a pulling pain in her right side. With a groan, she pulled her knees up to ease the sudden cramp.
“Hey, are you okay?”
She nodded. “I’m used to it. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and stretch and I end up feeling like I pulled a muscle I didn’t even know I had.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said, sounding very upset that he had been left out.
She didn’t understand him today. “There’s no reason you should.”
“There’s every reason. Nikki, I...”
She leaned forward until she was too close to his handsome face. Too close to his arousing scent and the warmth of his skin. “You... what?”
“Love you. I love you.”
Her breath left in a whoosh and the pain she’d experienced suddenly returned, but this time too close to her heart. “Don’t say what you don’t mean.” She couldn’t handle it. Tears welled in her eyes and she swiped at them with the back of her hand. “Hormones,” she muttered.
He reached forward and rubbed at the tip of her nose. “Dirt,” he said.
She laughed, though she wasn’t feeling anything that resembled humor.