He shrugged. “Things were so simple at the beginning. And we were so happy. We met at a political rally, remember? I went undercover because it was a liberal, pro-gay marriage gathering and the senator’s son couldn’t be caught there.”
She laughed. “I remember the baseball cap and the dark glasses. And that awful beard. Not your best look.” She shook her head, unable to stop grinning at the memory.
“Yeah, well, Keith thought it was pretty funny too. One look at the guy, one conversation, and I knew what he made me feel … was different.”
She blew out a breath. “I get that. What Decklan and I have is different too. Intense. Important.” He looked at her like no one else existed or mattered. “But I won’t sacrifice you. Not even for a guarantee of happily ever after.” Not that Decklan was offering that. Not that she knew what he wanted. She never allowed him to say. She’d been too afraid. “I just need to put all my cards on the table. We can figure it all out afterwards.”
Brad placed a hand over hers. “I’m proud of you. And I need to think about doing the same thing. I know that in here.” He pointed to his heart. “I’m just so afraid of screwing up all my father worked for.”
“I understand. I don’t want to be the one to do that either. But I do trust Decklan with our truth.” Even if he didn’t like what he learned, he wouldn’t reveal it to anyone.
Brad pulled her into a hug. “And I trust you. You’re right. We’ll figure it out.”
She squeezed him tight before stepping back. “You’ve always been there for me, the wall between me and any relationship.”
Because after that humiliating mess with losing her virginity, she’d gone off to college. Met Brad. And let him be her buffer.
“If I liked someone, I wouldn’t invest myself, and I’d say it was because you needed me and I would never do anything to hurt you. And I wouldn
’t. But Decklan pushed through my walls, and I realize now … I used you as an excuse not to put myself out there.”
He inclined his head. “And sex in a BDSM club did the same thing. I’m almost sorry I suggested that to you. It kept you from reaching for more.”
She shook her head, knowing for sure that the club had done wonders for her self-esteem. “That freed me. I needed the protection the rules provided me.” And she loved the ability to get out of her own head for a while.
But Decklan was real. He was a man who’d cracked her shell and brought her to life and gave her the rules and protection when she needed it.
Another beep from her cell. She glanced down.
Make it work. I want us—just you. Me. Lots of touching involved.
Oh my God.
Decklan was offering her all of him. Her stomach curled with a whole host of emotions. Warmth, desire, gratitude, and … fear. Because she was about to give him the same thing. Her ultimate trust.
“Hey. Are you okay?” Brad asked.
She managed a nod, pushing back the old insecurities that rose up. Because though he was giving her what she wanted, at the heart of everything was the ingrained belief that if her own mother found her lacking, how long before any man she let into her life would do the same?
But Decklan had stood up to her mother for her. And he didn’t view her as the Amanda her mother saw. No one had given her such a gift before.
She glanced at Brad. “I’m good.”
He smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Well, if you can find the guts to invest in a real, honest relationship, maybe I can find the cajones to come out of the closet.”
She shook her head and groaned. “Boy, are we a pair.”
“Always have been,” he agreed. “And we always will be. If nothing else in this life, you and me? We’re solid.” He placed a kiss on her cheek.
“You’re the best.” She stepped back and looked at the message on her phone.
Gathering her courage, she replied. I can be at your place Sunday around five.
His reply came immediately.
I’ll be waiting.
Once Brad left the room, she sat down at her desk and realized she was shaking. Instead of letting the panic engulf her as she always did, she forced herself to think more clearly. She understood exactly where her fear came from. If she kept up this main barrier to a relationship, she remained safe. But Amanda no longer wanted to live her life making Brad’s easier so she didn’t feel things. No. She wanted more of the bright colors of life that Decklan provided.