“Fuck.” That was the last thing he wanted and the one thing guaranteed to break through to him. He might still be angry, might still not completely trust her, but he couldn’t treat her like this anymore.
He exhaled a groan. “Get dressed.”
She blinked, clearly startled by the opposing order. “What?”
“I said, get dressed.”
Her expression crumbled, and she turned away, pulling her clothes back on, her body shaking. Instead of releasing her from this painful scene, he’d obviously made things worse. He turned away while she dressed, gathering his emotions together. He didn’t know what he felt, needed, or wanted.
He heard her sniffle, turned, and realized she was headed for the door. “Wait.”
“I don’t see why. I get it. I screwed things up so badly you’re done. I have no intention of dragging things out or making a scene.”
“That’s not what I said. Or want. I just need to wrap my head around everything.” And get over the fact that she’d left out a huge part of her life as he’d revealed all of his.
“What do you want? Because other than apologizing, I’m not sure what more I can do.”
She had a point. He didn’t know either. Looking at her made his heart hurt. If it came down to how he felt about her in the moment, no question. He wanted her in every way he could get her. But he wanted all of her, not the parts she chose to reveal.
He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t know.”
She turned to face him. “I bared myself to you. You might doubt that now, but it’s true. Just me revealing my body was like another woman exposing her soul. Same thing. So what you didn’t know? It had more to do with Brad than it did with me or you.” She drew a deep, shuddering breath. “I’m going to go.”
He wanted to stop her … but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. Maybe he just needed time. And clearly, she had no trouble giving it to him.
SIXTEEN
Amanda flew back to D.C. with Brad. She refused to discuss what had happened with Decklan, and after a while, her friend stopped pushing for answers. She knew he had his own issues with Keith, and he’d let her draw into herself.
As soon as she got into the safety of her own apartment, she let herself fall apart. Sunday night, her phone rang nonstop. She didn’t answer the calls, not from Brad, not from people who’d seen the news of her almost-engagement, which had been picked up nationally, and not from her mother. Marilyn had heard the news that her daughter was about to become engaged to Senator Ritter’s son, the billionaire software guru, and decided her daughter was finally doing something right. She couldn’t be more delighted and left Amanda many messages to that effect. The only person who never called was Decklan. Amanda ignored all the calls in favor of staying in bed.
She didn’t get up for work Monday morning either. In all the years Amanda worked for Brad, she’d only taken time off when she was sick or when he forced her on vacation. So she felt perfectly validated when she called this morn
ing and told him she wouldn’t be coming in. She couldn’t manage it. Couldn’t get herself out of bed or rid herself of the pounding headache or the pain in her heart. A pain with Decklan’s name engraved all over it.
She punched her pillow and rolled over, just as her damned phone rang. Her heart skipped a beat, reminding her of a painful lesson. Hope was a brutal companion and always let her down.
She glanced at her cell. It wasn’t Decklan, and though barely twenty-four hours had passed, she’d seen his blank expression. He wouldn’t be calling or texting her again.
Unfortunately, her mother wasn’t giving up as easily.
“Well, she can darn well leave another message,” Amanda muttered to herself.
Amanda no longer sought her mother’s approval. She hadn’t in years, and these phone calls only served to remind her of yet something else in her life she could never get right. She wasn’t wallowing in pity, she was just facing some hard truths. Maybe she wasn’t at fault with her mother because Marilyn had such high expectations, but with Decklan?
She had to own what she’d done. She’d kept something huge from him, a truth she should have admitted long before. And now he was left wondering just how they could build a relationship on a lie. And deciding they couldn’t. She didn’t blame him. She just wished she’d thought of things from his perspective earlier.
At first, she’d had the honest excuse that she and Decklan had agreed neither one of them wanted a relationship. And once things had changed, she’d wanted to live in the moment. She’d convinced herself that nothing that was going on with Brad meant anything in the scheme of her real life with Decklan. Because it was easier not to deal with the issue, to tell Decklan the truth, or to push Brad to change the status quo. She’d been stupid and deluded. And even selfish. As she’d told him, being in a real relationship wasn’t something she had experience with. Neither was being in a functional family.
But those were also excuses. She’d screwed up. And now she was paying the price.
When her doorbell rang, she pulled her covers up higher over her head and ignored it. Of course, whoever it was wasn’t giving up, but neither was she giving in. Eventually they’d go away.
Finally, there was silence. “Thank God.”
“What’s wrong? Do you need a doctor?” Brad asked, striding into the room.
“Oh my God, you scared the crap out of me!” She jerked up in bed and put her hand over her pounding heart.