Simply Sinful (Simply 1)

“Tell me something I don’t know,” she muttered.

“But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to be here.”

Kayla forced a smile. “You want me. I think we’ve covered this territory before.”

“Yeah, I do. But my job means keeping you safe and, despite what I said earlier, that means keeping my distance.”

“I didn’t know one thing had anything to do with the other.” Just twenty minutes ago, Kayla had lis

ted every reason in her mind why she wouldn’t sleep with Kane again. Hearing him agree with her, however, hadn’t factored into her plan and hurt more than she would have imagined. Now she found herself wanting to argue against her own logic.

This battle of wills they had going was beginning to wear on her. Coupled with the constant sexual pull, the result was a roller-coaster ride of emotions. She wanted the battle to end, but only Kane’s capitulation on all levels could do that. He had to trust in her—he had to trust in himself.

Funny, she thought. For years, she’d lacked similar faith in herself. But a few days with Kane, and she’d begun to regain the inner strength and belief she’d been lacking. He did that for her. And regardless of the outcome of them, she could never regret the time they’d shared.

But that didn’t mean she was about to relinquish control.

“One thing has everything to do with the other,” he said.

Kayla froze in place. She sensed the import of his statement, understood this was as close a view inside Kane’s mind as she was likely to get. So she listened.

“There’s something in life called an edge…at least there is in my life. Without it, I’m no good as a cop and even worse as a man. Every time I’ve let my guard down in any way, things go wrong.”

The guilt thing again. She shook her head. “You aren’t responsible for what’s happened to me.”

“That’s not what you said earlier.”

“You know that wasn’t what I meant. I wasn’t blaming you.”

“Then maybe you should. Maybe both of you should,” he muttered.

“Who, Kane?” she asked quietly.

He shut his eyes before speaking. Deep grooves formed at the corners, testament to how difficult this upcoming admission would be. “I always came straight home from school. My mother was fragile, and she relied on me walking in the door at the same time every day. Even before my dad took off, routine was important to her. She got up, washed her hands, ate breakfast, washed her hands, watched TV, washed her hands, I came home, she…”

“Washed her hands,” Kayla finished for him.

He met her gaze.

“She sounds obsessive compulsive.”

He shrugged. “I guess she was, but I didn’t know the clinical term back then. She had good days and bad days, up days and down days.” He drew a deep breath. “If I came home from school when I was supposed to, she took her medication on time. And the one day I didn’t…”

She walked in front of a moving bus. Kane didn’t have to speak for Kayla to hear. His body shook in reaction to his unspoken words. She reached out and took his hand, silently offering comfort.

The man shouldered more responsibility than was necessary, more guilt than she’d ever imagined. “You said she had good days and bad days, Kane. Isn’t it possible she didn’t kill herself but got confused, or wasn’t looking? Did she leave a note?”

He shook his head. “Does it really matter? If I’d been home, it wouldn’t have happened.” His warm hand curled around hers. “And if I’d been thinking about my job and not preoccupied with my feelings for you, you wouldn’t have been attacked.”

Kayla tried to sort through his words, to hear past his misplaced guilt. He hadn’t let go of the boy who felt responsible for his only parent. He couldn’t accept it wasn’t an eleven-year-old’s job to be the adult of the household. While growing up, she and Catherine had borne too many adult responsibilities of their own and felt an out-of-proportion responsibility for each other. Kayla could relate to Kane’s life.

The emotional barriers, the distance, and the all-consuming need to control things around him—they all made a strange sort of sense to her now. She wasn’t sure she could ever undo the scars embedded in his past, no matter how much she wanted to.

In the library, he’d told her he was doing all he could do. That had to be enough. When the case was over, if he wanted to stay, she’d welcome him with open arms. If he wanted to walk away, she’d let him go.

He deserved to know he had that kind of freedom.

Chapter Nine