“And showing my fear.”
Her heart leapt in her chest. “Fear of what?” Because Brianne thought she held a monopoly on that particular emotion. Hearing that a big, tough guy like Jake could not only succumb to fear but admit to it was a revelation she couldn’t believe.
“Fear of your judging me and finding me lacking, for one thing.”
She felt her eyes open wide—along with the heart she’d tried so desperately to keep shut tight. She stepped closer and found herself reaching for his face. A small voice in her head warned her she was treading emotionally deep waters, but she couldn’t stop.
His deep blue eyes bore into hers, and she cupped his razor-stubbled cheeks in her palms, the abrading sensation both ticklish and yet subtly arousing against her skin. “How could any woman find you lacking?” she asked.
“Do you have any idea what a cop earns?”
A smile worked at the corners of her mouth. “More than I’ve had left after boarding school bills, I’m sure. But I’ve never been unhappy. Just overwhelmed, exhausted and cash-poor.” She forced a laugh, then sobered quickly. “But if I’ve learned anything since my parents died, it’s that we make our own happiness in life.”
“My ex-wife looked to me to make her happy.” He shook his head. “Scratch that. She looked to my checkbook. The incredible thing is, she knew all about my lifestyle and what I could and couldn’t afford when she married me. She was a teacher, which meant her salary wasn’t over the top, either. I really did think we shared the fundamentals. Like the desire for a family.”
Brianne’s heart ached at the thought of Jake sharing anything with any woman other than herself. Uh-oh. “Did you have…kids?” She nearly choked on the word.
He shook his head. “But I wanted them.”
Did he still? “What changed?” she asked, quickly denying herself the time to think through the notion of Jake with another woman’s baby. The idea was too painful.
“I still don’t know. We moved to the suburbs, she met different people, more affluent couples—doctors, lawyers, businessmen.” He shrugged. “Then Rina met and married Robert. That couldn’t have helped.”
“None of that should have changed how she felt about you. None of that should have altered who your wife was inside.”
His eyes narrowed, and she could almost see the wheels turning inside his head as he sorted through his past. “Maybe that’s it, then. I never really knew who she was inside. I never took the time to find out.”
Her pulse picked up rhythm, if only because Brianne knew he’d taken the time to discover who she was. Enough to take her on a real date, to bring her ice cream because he thought that had been in short supply in her life. And to give himself, a warm, caring, loving man.
He may not have opened up before but he was doing so now, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to contemplate why. He’d started in the permanently off-limits column of her life, and now she wanted to move him over, into the more stable, long-term column. A place he couldn’t, wouldn’t want to be. He’d made that abundantly clear at the outset.
“Did you love her?” Brianne bit down on her lower lip, wishing she could call back the too-personal, too-revealing words.
“I thought she loved me but it turns out she never fully accepted who I am. What I’ll always be. She gave up on me when she realized she couldn’t change me.”
And that had scarred him badly, Brianne realized, enough to make him wary of other women and of the future. He had good reason. Brianne’s reasons for being wary of the future were different but she hadn’t fully accepted him and who he was, either. She’d admitted as much to his face. From the beginning, she wished she could change him from someone who loved danger to someone who preferred security and stability.
Is that what she still wanted? Because if she desired to change him, there was no chance for them or for the future. And a part of Brianne refused to accept that. Confusion twisted inside her.
He reached up and grasped her wrists. She hadn’t realized she was still holding on to his face, so natural was the flow of conversation and intimacy between them. And wasn’t that intimacy more indicative of what they shared than her dislike of his career? She felt the mental shift occurring slowly and knew she needed time to absorb the implications.
“To answer your question, I suppose I loved the person I married, not the person she became,” he said, speaking of his ex-wife. Jake’s gaze held Brianne’s, full of unspoken meaning. “I realize now that I never loved my ex-wife enough to change and grow with her.”
Brianne swallowed hard. “You couldn’t have made her happy then, Jake. And vice versa. Money didn’t have anything to do with it.”
“I suppose you’re right.”
“I know I am. Look at my life. Money might have given me more free time but I’d still have been a too-young, single woman raising a teenager. All the money in the world wouldn’t change that. And it might not have made me happy. I was burdened, yes, but I was also happy.” She shrugged, feeling silly revealing herself this way, but not silly enough to stop.
Because this was Jake and he was listening intently, interested in what she had to say and how it related to his past and to them. She drew a deep breath and continued. “Any man in my life would build on the foundation that’s already there.” The way Jake had. Just the sight of him had lessened her burdens. Being with him lightened her load and made her more complete. She wasn’t ready to take those thoughts to their natural completion so she focused on his past instead. “Sounds like your wife didn’t have that foundation.”
Admiration filled his eyes along with deeper, more consuming emotion—part desire, but something more. Brianne knew because she felt it, too. “Anyone tell you you’re amazing?” he asked.
She shook
her head and grinned. “Nope. Care to be the first?”
“Hell, yes.” Her first, last, always, Jake thought, and lowered his mouth to hers. The kiss was deep and sweet, but for Jake, just the beginning. “I’m not letting you out of our deal. You owe me a leisurely soak in that whirlpool.” He pointed to the bubbling water that was probably as hot as the blood pumping through his veins.