She winced at the image he presented, feeling sorry for the young boy who’d seen his father’s failings at an age when he couldn’t possibly understand.
“I take it he didn’t act any guiltier than he did tonight?” She stared down at Tyler’s big, tanned hand, running her thumb over his skin.
“No, he didn’t feel bad at all. Savannah was horrified, but dear old Dad shifted the burden onto me.” Tyler stiffened as he continued. “‘You don’t want to be responsible for your mother’s pain, son. Be a man, keep my secret. It’s better for everyone,’” he said in an imitation of Robert Dare.
And a damned good one too. Ella had never been comfortable around the man, but considering how little time he spent with his family, she hadn’t had to see him all that often.
“You did what he asked?”
“I did.” He met her gaze with his tortured one. “And it was a mistake. I should have told Ian or my mom. She could have found out in a way that cushioned the blow, instead of how my father chose to handle things.” He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Hey, Emma, sorry to tell you like this, but I have another family and my youngest daughter has cancer, and I need your kids tested to see if their bone marrow matches,” he spat out in disgust.
“I hope he told her more gently than that,” she murmured. Though, seeing his callous behavior tonight, Ella dou
bted it.
“I wasn’t there. I just remember the yelling, Mom’s wailing and crying.” His body trembled, and she wrapped an arm around him, resting her head on his shoulder. “It was the crying that was the worst. I’d hear her at night … and I thought, if I’d just told her last year, maybe it would have been different or better. And I felt guilty because I knew.”
“And you kept that inside? You never told your mom what you saw?”
He shook his head, eyes downcast.
“Ian? Scott?”
“Nope. My discovery, my betrayal, my fuckup. And that was just the beginning.”
“Of what?” she asked, confused by whatever he was insinuating, but her gut told her he had so much twisted in his head, this ought to be a doozy.
He tipped his head back, resting on the striped cushions, staring at the starlit sky. “Of my pattern of running when things were emotionally difficult, of disappointing people,” he said, the disgust in his tone catching her by surprise.
She blinked and immediately shook her head. “That’s just not true.”
Using his foot, he ground the swing to a sudden stop, rose, and began pacing in front of her. “You of all people can say that with a straight face?” he asked her.
“Tyler, I don’t get it … what are you talking about?”
“I ran out on you the morning after. I was more of an adult than you were, and instead of staying to face what we’d done, I packed my things and headed right back to base. I know I blew it badly.”
She sucked in a sharp breath, surprised he put her in the category of people he’d let down. “I thought we already agreed, I overstepped that night.”
“And I handled it terribly. And it wasn’t like I fixed things over the years either. I let things between us remain awkward and uncomfortable. We lied to my sister and I treated you like shit.” He ran a shaking hand through his hair, his emotions on the surface. “So yeah, that’s all on me. Because I didn’t face up to my responsibilities.”
She doubted he’d be responsive to her arguments, so she remained silent, trying to find some way to reach him.
To her surprise, he continued. “I had a friend in the Army. Serena’s husband, Jack.”
“Oh! I didn’t realize you knew Serena before she came to work with you.” Ella curled her legs beneath her, tucking her long skirt discreetly around her.
This was the first time he was opening up and sharing with her, and despite the fact that he obviously blamed himself for things that didn’t seem to be his fault, she treasured the insight and hoped she could help him through it.
“Serena and Jack were high school sweethearts. Jack was a happy-go-lucky guy … until the Army and war got ahold of him. Then all he could talk about was getting out. And he did. Went AWOL and got himself killed. I don’t want to discuss that tonight, but he’s another example of a time when I should have done something. Could have prevented a tragedy from occurring.”
Ella pushed off the swing and rose to her feet. “God,” she said.
“Excuse me?”
“That’s who you must think you are, right?” Ella asked. “Because you really think you could control a lot of things. Like … your mom? She’d have been destroyed by the news no matter how she found out. And Jack? Even if you’d prevented him from leaving base, something inside him was clearly already broken.”
She drew a deep breath. “And as for me, I might have been legal, but I was just a kid. Even if you’d faced me the next day, it would have been awkward, and I’d have been mortified. I doubt much of how I viewed things would have changed.” Her issues went deeper than her first sexual affair gone wrong.