“Want my shirt?” He lifted the bottom of his tee for her.
She shook her head and smiled. “Thanks, but I’m okay.”
He grabbed hold of her other hand too. “What happened to the baby?” he asked softly.
A huge shudder went through her small frame. “For you to understand, you need to get where my head was at.”
“I’m here. I’m listening. For as long as it takes.”
“I didn’t tell anyone at school, but when I went home on vacation, I told my mother, and she promised to be there, whatever I decided.”
“She sounds great.”
“She was. She still is. She was willing to discuss all options. I wasn’t sure what I wanted at first, but I knew I had a limited window to decide. I was petrified. If I kept the baby, I’d have to drop out of school, and who knew if I’d ever be able to go back. I’d be a single mother with no viable career…”
Dylan couldn’t imagine what it must have been like for her back then. “You were so strong,” he said.
“I didn’t feel strong. I was so scared, but even then I couldn’t bring myself to think about having an abortion, and before I knew it, I had gotten through the first trimester of the pregnancy. And then I started to feel the baby kick.” Her eyes lit up at the memory. “And then I started to consider what having a baby would mean. A little life dependent on me. Someone to take care of, who would love me.”
Understanding went off in Dylan’s head. There lay the crux of the story. He knew Olivia well enough to understand that her issues stemmed from the fact that her father, the first man in her life, had essentially abandoned her. A father was supposed to love his child unconditionally. Instead, Robert Dare had put another family, other children, above his first wife and kids, above Olivia. Then the father of her baby had done the same thing at a time when she’d barely been an adult herself.
“What happened?” he asked.
She drew a shuddering breath. “No sooner had I made peace with the decision than it was over. I woke up one night, and there was blood everywhere.” She shrugged, her voice cracking. “I miscarried. And that little person who was supposed to be mine to love was gone. I didn’t realize how much I wanted the baby until that blood was everywhere.”
A shudder went through Olivia, followed by tears and small gulps as she struggled to pull herself together. All Dylan could do was hold her tight and be there until she finally wiped her eyes and sat up straighter, meeting his gaze.
“I’m so sorry, honey.”
She nodded. “Thank you.”
“I’m glad you shared that with me.”
She forced a smile, and he could tell it was forced. “The thing is, losing the baby scarred me. It defined me. And I really don’t know if I can let myself feel that kind of pain ever again.”
“What are you saying?”
“I was depressed for so long afterwards and … I’m not sure I ever want to get pregnant again.”
Dylan’s head buzzed at her words. The emotional part of him, the part that had always expected to have a family one day, rebelled against every word she was saying. He’d grown up without a father or mother to speak of, and he wanted the life he’d been denied. Hell, he wanted it with Olivia.
“I saw you with Ava today, and I’m sure you want kids someday. I thought you should know where my head is before this thing between us goes any further,” she said, her voice thick as she stared at him, hands folded in her lap, eyes wide and expectant as she waited.
Waited for him to walk away. Because she’d never had a man stick by her before, he realized with shocking clarity. Thanks to her past, she didn’t trust that she was important, that she was enough to keep any man in her life.
But she was. For him, she was everything.
The reality sucker-punched him, but thank God he realized it in time. Of course, it was a risk to stay, to continue to invest himself when she clearly believed what she was saying. That was why she’d insulated herself from relationships for so long and why she’d fought against them every step of the way.
And this? This was just another means of pushing him away before he left her in the end. That was how she thought. What she believed. Which meant it was up to him to prove her wrong.
He turned toward her, clasping both of her hands in his. “Okay,” he said at last, speaking into the heavy silence.
She wrinkled her nose in confusion. “Okay what?”
“Okay, I understand. You don’t think you want kids. So let me ask you something. When did I ever say I was in this relationship for any reason other than you?”
Eyes glassy, she narrowed her gaze. “You don’t mean that.”