Sideways Stories from Wayside School (Wayside School 1)

“But we have all kinds of arithmetic,” said Mrs. Jewls, “addition without carrying, addition with carrying, and carrying without addition.”

“I don’t care,” cried Dana.

“We have that, too,” said Mrs. Jewls, “addition without caring. Now, stop carrying on.”

Dana whined, “I can’t, Mrs. Jewls. I itch too much.”

“And I’m too thirsty,” said D.J.

“I’m too tired,” said Ron.

“I’m too hungry,” said Terrence.

“I’m too stupid,” said Todd.

Mrs. Jewls hit her desk with her yardstick. Everyone stopped talking.

Mrs. Jewls said, “We are going to have arithmetic now, and I don’t want to hear another thing about it.”

“But, Mrs. Jewls, I really do itch. I can’t do arithmetic,” Dana whined.

“No,” said Mrs. Jewls. “Arithmetic is the best known cure for an itch. How many mosquito bites do you have?”

“I don’t know,” said Dana, “over a hundred. First I try scratching one, but then another one starts to itch. So I scratch that one, and that one stops, and another one starts. So I scratch that one, and the itch moves down to another one. Then it goes back to the first one. The itch just never stays in the same place. I just can’t scratch them all.”

“What you need is a good, strong dose of arithmetic,” said Mrs. Jewls.

“I’d rather have calamine lotion,” said Dana.

“Remember, Dana,” said Mrs. Jewls, “mosquito bites itch, not numbers.”

“So what?” said Dana.

Mrs. Jewls continued. “We’ll just have to turn your mosquito bites into numbers.”

“I’m a mess,” Dana moaned.

Mrs. Jewls began to turn the mosquito bites into numbers. “How much is three mosquito bites plus three mosquito bites?” she asked.

Rondi raised her hand. “Six mosquito bites,” she answered.

“How much is six mosquito bites minus two mosquito bites?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

“Four mosquito bites,” said D.J.

“How much is five mosquito bites times two?” asked Mrs. Jewls.

“Ten mosquito bites,” said Bebe.

“Very good,” said Mrs. Jewls.

“I still itch,” Dana complained.

“I’ve got one more question,” said Mrs. Jewls. “H

ow much is forty-nine mosquito bites plus seventy-five mosquito bites?”

Nobody raised a hand.