He continued walking around his room. “Did I tell you about my father? He’s very handy around the house. Always fixing things. Yesterday he hooked up a new VCR. He also put in a garage door opener. It all works great. Except every time you push the button on the remote control to change the channel—the garage door opens.
“Last week he fixed the toilet and installed a new light switch in the bathroom. Now if you want to flush the toilet, you have to flick the light switch. And if you want to turn on the light, you have to push the lever on the toilet.
“I have a sister named Sally. Everyone calls her Saloon. She’s disgusting, although I guess I shouldn’t say bad things about her.” Gary put his hand over his heart. “She’s in the hospital.
“She needs a tongue transplant.
“It’s ’cause she never stops talking. She’s sixteen years old and this will be her third tongue!
“She was talking on the phone to one of her boyfriends. She was in the middle of telling him how much she loved him, when her tongue flapped out of her mouth and onto the floor.
“I was there, sitting at the kitchen counter having a snack. It was disgusting. Not her tongue. I mean my sister saying, ‘I love you, sweetheart,’ right there on the kitchen phone while I was trying to eat.
“ ’Course, without her tongue it didn’t sound like, ‘I love you sweetheart.’ It sounded more like, ‘I uv you, wee-har.’
“Her boyfriend probably didn’t even notice. They’re always talking baby talk to each other. I told you she was disgusting.
“Meanwhile, the tongue flapped around on the floor for a while, like a fish out of water, until it finally stopped and lay still.
“My dad came in to get a glass of milk and stepped right on it.
“Have any of you ever stepped on a tongue?
“No? Well, it’s like a banana peel, except thicker and more slippery. My dad desperately tried to hold on to the quart of milk as he went flying.”
No, not quart of milk. Half gallon. “Gallon of milk.” The more milk, the funnier.
“Meanwhile, my sister just went right on talking as she glared angrily at my father, who was lying on the floor in a pool of milk. Finally she held the phone aside and said, ‘I’m trying to talk on the phone, if you don’t mind!’ Except it sounded like, ‘I’m rying oo auk ah uh pho, if you o mi!’
“We tried to pick up the tongue, to show it to her, but it kept slipping through our fingers.
“Have any of you ever tried to pick up a tongue after it’s been covered in milk?
“No? Well, it’s like soap in a bathtub. Just when you think you have it, it squishes out of your hand and goes shooting across the room.
“My sister finally hung up. As she walked across the kitchen floor I thought she was going to step on it too.
“ ‘Watch your tongue!’ said my father.
“She just gave him a dirty look, then bent down and picked it up. She had no problem picking it up because she has long fingernails.
“Then she slapped me across the face with it. She just kept hitting me, over and over again. She gave me a real tongue-lashing.
“My mother came in and said, ‘Hold your tongue, young lady.’
“So now she’s in the hospital, waiting for a suitable donor. This time she says she wants a giraffe tongue. She heard those are the best for kissing.
“Her old tongue is on my dad’s desk, stapled to his blotter. He keeps it moist and uses it for wetting stamps and envelopes.”
11.
Gary knocked on the door to Angeline’s apartment. He was wearing a hat.
Gus answered the door.
“Hey, Gus, what’s cookin’?” said Gary.
“Mashed potatoes and gravy,” said Gus.