No, Joe …
“ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me. My nose has turned into a frog. I don’t know what happened. It used to be a tadpole.’ ”
He shook his head in disgust. He walked over to his window and clapped his hands. “Here we go,” he said. “Starting all over. The funniest jokes in the world!”
Outside, three young girls were roller-skating. Gary could hear the wheels clacking against the cracks in the sidewalk. He watched them for a while. Two of the girls were much better skaters than the third. The two good skaters kept getting way ahead, then they would turn around and come back for the other one.
“C’mon, Sarah!” he heard one of the good skaters shout.
Sarah fell down. Gary watched her struggle to her feet and go after her friends. He continued to watch until all three girls were out of sight.
He clapped his hands together again. “Okay. Here we go. The funniest jokes in the world.
“I ate a chocolate cookie that was so hard I chipped a tooth. I guess it was a chocolate chip cookie.”
No, Joe …
“I saw a lady wearing sunglasses in the rain. ‘Why are you wearing sunglasses in the rain?’ ‘I don’t have an umbrella.’ ”
In his mind he saw Joe standing there, hands on hips, shaking his head.
“I saw a duck carrying an umbrella. No. No ducks. We already decided that.
“A man goes into a doctor’s office. ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘It’s my green hair.’ ‘Have you tried dyeing it?’ ‘I did. I dyed it green.’ ”
He thought he saw Joe smile.
“ ‘Why’d you dye your hair green?’ ‘It’s my favorite color.’ ‘Then what’s the problem?’ ‘I’m going bald.’
Joe shook his head.
“ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me!’ ‘What seems to be the problem?’ ‘I’ve grown a mustache.’ ‘So? A lot of people have mustaches.’ ‘But I’m only twelve years old.’ ‘Some people mature faster than others.’ ‘But I’m a girl.’ ‘A lot of women have facial hair.’ ‘But I’m also bald.’ ‘So? There are many beautiful women who have mustaches and are bald.’ ‘My head gets cold, and it makes me sneeze, and the snot gets caught in my mustache.’ ”
Joe made a face.
Gary sighed. He glanced at the book on his desk.
“ ‘How many knees do you have?’ ‘Three. My right knee. My left knee. And my kidney.’ ”
For a moment he thought that one was funny, except he remembered he actually had two kidneys, so he’d have to say he had four knees and that just didn’t seem as funny as three.
“ ‘Doctor, you’ve got to help me! My elbow keeps coming untied.… My belly button is out of order.… I can’t open my chest.… I’m losing the leaves in my palm.… Somebody threw my waist in the trash.… My foot is only eleven inches.… I’ve lost the air in.…’ ”
His thoughts were interrupted by the shrill sound of a vacuum cleaner. He put his hands over his ears and tried his best to ignore it.
“I was walking down the street today and I saw a man with a duck on his head.
“No. No ducks!
“But it wasn’t a duck! The man was really a creature from outer space! See, they all look like they have ducks on their heads. In fact, you want to know what they call a man from outer space who doesn’t have a duck on his head? Bald.”
The noise from the vacuum got louder. Gary slammed open his bedroom door, then glared at his father vacuuming the hall. “Can you do that later?” he shouted over the noise. “I can’t concentrate!”
“I’ll be done in a minute,” said his father.
Gary stepped back into his room and shut the door. “How am I supposed to make up jokes with that thing going all the time?” He looked at the posters on his wall. “Robin Williams doesn’t have to listen to a vacuum cleaner when he’s trying to make up jokes.
“Maybe I should have played football.”