Dogs Don't Tell Jokes (Someday Angeline 2)

“… so I can understand what these young people are feeling right now,” said Mrs. Ward.

There was polite applause. Then Miss Langley returned to the microphone and introduced the first contestant. “Fred Furst.”

“Good luck,” said Gary.

Mrs. Snitzberry sat down in Fred’s seat. “What are you wishing him luck for?” she asked. “He’s your competition.” She looked toward center stage and shouted, “I hope you get the hiccups!”

Fred approached the microphone.

“Fred will do bird imitations,” said Miss Langley. “I understand you’ve been interested in birds all your life. Is that right, Fred?”

“Yes,” said Fred, but the microphone was too high for anyone to hear.

Miss Langley helped him adjust the mike. He spoke into it. “Yes. Ever since I was a baby. The first word I said was ‘bird.’ ”

Several people in the audience said, “Awww.”

Miss Langley stepped away.

Gary could see Fred’s knees shake.

“Why do I always have to be first?” Fred asked into the microphone.

A few members of the audience laughed, but most of them obviously didn’t get the joke.

Fred took a breath. “For my first impression I will do the North American hoot owl.”

Fred had a long neck, which seemed to get even longer when he did his bird imitation. “Whoooo. Whoooo.

“Now I will do a North American hoot owl that has been to school: Whom! Whom!”

There was mild laughter. It would have been funnier, thought Gary, if Fred had paused before the punch line.

“That’s an old bird imitator’s joke,” said Fred.

Fred then did impressions of a magpie, “Twitter-peep, twitter-peep”; a nightingale, “Chirp chirp twitter”; and a puffin, “Whoo-peep, whoo-peep.”

The audience politely applauded after each one.

Gary didn’t know what the real birds sounded like, so he had no idea if Fred’s imitations were good or not. It suddenly occurred to him that probably nobody in the audience knew whether the imitations were accurate. Fred could have been making them up! But why would anyone do that?

“Now I will do the mute swan,” said Fred. He stood for several minutes without making a sound.

Gradually the audience began to laugh as they caught on to his joke.

He then made the sounds of the pelican, the petrel, and the oriole.

“For my final impression, I’d like to do the redheaded woodpecker.”

He took a deep breath, then laughed exactly like Woody Woodpecker!

Gary cracked up. The audience laughed and applauded too.

Fred returned to the bench all smiles.

“That was great!” exclaimed Gary. “You sounded exactly like Woody Woodpecker!” It struck him that Woody Woodpecker was another famous comedian with a W.

“I’m just glad it’s over,” said Fred. “It’s weird to talk into a microphone. You hear yourself talking almost before you say it.”