Dogs Don't Tell Jokes (Someday Angeline 2)

The audience laughed. He hadn’t planned to say two dead skunks, but at that moment it suddenly seemed funnier than just one.

“It was the only time a doctor has ever told me not to say ‘Ahhhhh.’

“So, do you want to know why I ate two dead skunks for breakfast?”

“Why?” shouted Melissa, Abel, and several other people near them.

“We were out of waffles,” answered Gary. “But I started to tell you why I’m wearing this hat. See, the doctor gave me some special mouthwash and soap.” He reached into his paper sack and pulled out a used bar of soap and half a bottle of mouthwash. “This stuff is so strong you can’t even buy it without a prescription.” He took a whiff of the soap, then quickly turned his head away and coughed.

“So I went home and gargled. Actually, the mouthwash didn’t taste too bad.” He looked at the bottle. “Sort of like, um, well, actually it tasted a lot like a dead skunk.

“Except without the maple syrup.”

“Oh, gross!” someone shouted, amid the laughter. That just made the crowd laugh more.

For a second Gary stopped and enjoyed the laughter. He felt completely at home on stage, in front of a microphone. Everything was clicking for him. He had his routine down pat, but he was also ad-libbing to give it spontaneity.

“That reminds me. You know how to tell a girl worm from a boy worm? By kissing them.”

Everyone laughed.

He hadn’t planned to tell that joke. It just felt right at that moment. He quickly went on before anyone realized it made no sense.

“I got in the shower, and put that special soap all over me.” He pulled a washcloth out of his sack.

They even laughed at that, which surprised him because he didn’t remember thinking that was a joke.

He pretended he was in the shower. He washed his chest, his feet, behind his knees, and under his arms. It all worked better than he’d planned, since he was wet from the seltzer. He smelled his armpit, then washed it again.

“So there I was, all covered with this special soap from head to toe, and suddenly the water shut off! The smelly stuff was even in my hair. And no water! Can you imagine that?

“You can?

“You people are s

ick! I don’t imagine any of you naked in the shower!”

He paused. “Well, maybe some of you.” He looked off stage left. “I sometimes like to imagine Miss Longlegs in the shower.”

She burst out laughing.

He continued to look at her. “And you always thought I wasn’t paying attention in class.”

She covered her face with her hands and shook her head.

He looked back at the audience. “So there I was, covered with soap, no water—” He stopped. “You know, I really got this backward. My friend Phil Hart I told you about—he gave me advice on how to keep from getting stage fright. He said, ‘Just imagine everyone in the audience naked.’ ”

A few people laughed.

“Instead, I’ve got everyone in the audience imagining me naked!

“Of course, that’s Phil’s advice for anything. ‘You know how to keep from crying at funerals? Imagine everyone naked.’ ‘You know what to do if you get sent to the principal’s office? Imagine the principal naked.’ ”

He glanced at Mrs. Ward, but she didn’t seem to think it was funny.

“Phil was a great baseball player until he played against an all girls’ team.” The audience was already laughing, anticipating the punch line. “He struck out looking every time.

“So, you want to know why I ate two dead skunks for breakfast?”