Still With Me

“Victoria, I have to talk to you.”

“Now’s not the time, Jeremy.”

He hesitated. She wouldn’t believe him, like Pierre. “I have to tell you…I’m having another bout of amnesia.”

She sighed, exasperated. “Please, Jeremy.”

“Yes, I know. Pierre told me where to get off too when I told him. That doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening again. For me, it’s the third time. I understand what’s happening between us, thanks to Pierre and Thomas and a letter I found in my desk. It’s not the amnesia that upsets me. It’s what I’m learning about my behavior. It’s like there are two men inside me: a jerk who doesn’t care about his wife and children, doesn’t want to see his parents, doesn’t think about anyone but himself…and another who is the total opposite. But this other person doesn’t exist except during periods of amnesia.”

“That’s all you learned, Jeremy? You’re right; there are two men inside you. The one I knew before and the one I met just recently.”

“You have to believe me, Victoria. I beg you. I’m going crazy.”

“You’ve already driven me crazy, Jeremy. I believed too many of your stories.”

“I’m sick, do you understand? Sick!” Jeremy almost shouted.

“I don’t doubt that. You are sick.”

“You’re not hearing me out. Is that really all that’s left of our love?”

“Don’t play the romantic, Jeremy. I realized that to keep from losing myself, I had to break off all communication. The children already lost their father. I want them to have a mother who’s sane.” Her voice was hardened. Nonetheless, Jeremy felt her struggling against her own doubt.

“It’s incredible. How could you come to that?” he moaned. “Even Thomas realized I was different today.”

“Thomas needs a father. Me, I’m not sure I need a husband.”

“You’re my last chance.”

“No,” she said wearily. “I don’t want to talk about it right now. Not on the telephone. Not after everything that’s happened.”

“Tomorrow will be too late.”

“The whole question is if it’s too late, Jeremy. Tell Thomas to call me when he wakes up. Good-bye.”

Jeremy hung up the phone, then leaned down and kissed Simon. He picked Thomas up and headed for the door. The last time he remembered feeling Thomas’s body next to his was when Thomas was a baby. He had experienced the same pleasure. A feeling of ownership mixed with pride and warmth.

Thomas opened his eyes and lifted his head to look at his father with heavy eyelids. His father kissed him.

“We’re going home.”

Thomas fell back asleep.

When Jeremy stepped outside, a cool breeze touched his face. But the sweetness of an evening in May had no power to move him.

He hailed a taxi.

As soon as they arrived at the apartment, Jeremy put Thomas to bed. He felt weak. In the taxi, an idea had drugged him. He didn’t know if it was a good one, but he had to take the chance.

In his desk, he quickly found his checkbook and his wallet, took his keys, and went out. Outside, he walked up the street. The shop sign read, “Photo-Video.” It was when he saw the sign from the taxi that the idea hit him. He went in and walked over to the camcorders.

“May I help you?” the salesperson asked.

“I’d like to buy a camcorder.”

“Do you know what model?”

“I’ll take this one,” Jeremy said, pointing with his finger. “Could you walk me through how it works?”