“First off, I pity whoever has to clean phoenix shit off of their car. I imagine that has to be a mission and a half. Second, you’re in no way similar to bird crap. Like I’ve said before, we don’t exactly have years of history between us, but I still feel like I know you really well. And I know you’re one hell of a guy.”
“Thanks, Fox.” He didn’t seem to believe me, but that just meant I’d have to try harder next time. “How do you do it? Keep your head so high even when life’s yelling at you to bury it.”
I shrugged. “You just gotta ignore it. And the whole ‘fake it till you make it’ thing? That shit’s the truth. I had zero confidence, especially before I joined the army. And then I was thrown into a situation where I needed to at least pretend I was confident or I’d get chewed up and spit out. Then it stuck.”
“Makes sense…” The waves had pushed us closer. Our toes almost touched under the crystalline water. Did he notice? “Were you gay in the army? Not that you weren’t gay outside of it… I know you… just… you get what I mean, right?”
I couldn’t hold back the laugh. “Yes, I get what you mean.”
His cheeks were blushing a gentle pink, matching the sun-kissed flush the rest of his body was taking on. The sunblock lotion I had brought with me from the car would keep that skin flawless, perfect to lay down a trail of kisses on.
Fuck, I’ve got to stop thinking about kissing him.
“I was out in the army,” I said, trying to hold on to the reins of my wild thoughts before Jonah thought there was a swordfish hiding in my briefs.
“How’d everyone handle it?”
I kept a smile on even though the memories that rushed toward me weren’t exactly pleasant. “A good number of them took it well. That’s the one thing about the military. When you’re out there, together under the heat of gunfire twenty-four seven, you learn that you’re really fighting for each other out there. It creates a kind of bond that goes past a lot of the regular bullshit. I’m not saying all situations are like mine, but when I came out, most of my squadmates didn’t treat me differently.”
“When was that?”
“Seven years ago, now. It was one year after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell was repealed.”
“What a shit fucking policy… You said ‘most.’ Did anyone give you crap?”
I nodded. “You’re a good detective.”
“I try.” Jonah smiled, in a way that threw my heart straight into a frenzy.
“Yeah, there were, eh, issues to say the least. I’d get slurs thrown my way on a regular basis from other guys in the platoon. And we have some social events we like to call ‘mandatory fun’ since they’re required—that was when shit would get really bad. A lot of those guys never talked to me on a human level before, so when word started getting out that I was gay, well, that’s all they saw me as. And for the homophobic fuckers, well, that put me on a level lower than the street dogs we would feed sometimes.”
Jonah shook his head. Waves gently rolled over our hips, pushing us slowly back to shore. The water was warm, the sun was bright, and the beach was empty.
And it was then I realized I was doing something I didn’t do very often.
I was talking about myself. Jonah was cracking me open like an egg and examining all the insides.
“It was difficult at first,” I continued. “I didn’t think it would be all flowers and glitter, but I didn’t realize it would be so hard either. The death threats were probably the worst.”
Jonah’s blue eyes bulged. “Are you kidding? From your own military brothers and sisters? Death threats?”
“Just the brothers,” I said, my lips quirking and brow arching. “It’s hard. Reading how you’re going to be flayed open and stretched out like a rug, all because you love the same sex. I couldn’t understand it at first. I couldn’t comprehend the hate. I’d wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and not because of bombs but because of those damn letters snuck under my door. It made me pretty fucking paranoid. I didn’t know who was fantasizing about slicing me open, so even standing next to supposed friends was difficult. And in a situation where trust is life, that made things hard.”
Jonah lifted as a particularly strong wave broke over us. His eyes were reflecting some of the crystalline light that bounced off the water’s surface, making them even bluer than usual. “I’m so sorry you had to go through that, Fox. So were you completely alone during your time in the army, besides the few squadmates?”