A Royal Christmas Cruise (Stonewall Investigations Miami 2.50)

“Yes, everything’s fine.”

“Oh, look who else is here!”

I winced. This was the last thing I needed. Was my mom about to push me onto some other rich girl she found wandering through the rose garden? I couldn’t come out if there was an audience. I wanted to talk to my mom and dad alone. Suddenly, the nerves that had nested in my chest prior to the call took full flight, flapping around and rattling my ribs like the bars of a cage. I could feel beads of sweat start rolling down my side, and I usually never sweat.

Before I could freak out any further, my mom flipped the camera and showed who had trotted into the room, a big grin on his golden face, tail wagging like a fan behind him.

“Eli! Hey there, boy.”

Maybe he heard my voice or maybe he just got a burst of energy, but something caused him to run forward, straight for the couch where my parents sat. He jumped up, licking my mom’s face as the camera flipped back to them.

“So what did you have to talk to us about?” my dad asked. I could tell he sensed something was up. He was good at reading people. I couldn’t get anything past him as a kid, and I wouldn’t even try to as an adult.

“I don’t even know how to start this…”

Fuck. Should I have prepared something? Rehearsed a speech in the bathroom mirror? How did people come out? Why weren’t there kids’ books explaining this kind of shit? Or at the very least, a “coming out for dummies” book. Anything, so long as it provided even a scrap of guidance.

“You know I love you both, and we’ve had some rough spots growing up, I know I haven’t been the easiest to deal with, but I think there’s been a reason for all of that. I’ve never felt like myself, like I was giving it my all. I always felt like I was playing this… this part. Wearing a mask. It made me sad. Really, really sad. That made me angry, and then that made things difficult. But not anymore. I can’t live like that anymore. So, that’s why, I’m telling you both: I’m gay.”

There. The words were out. No taking it back, no reversing things, no changing my mind. I had spoken my truth, and I could do nothing more than stand behind it.

My mom blinked a few times. My dad’s face looked set in stone, barely a twitch.

My hand was shaking. I leaned on the balcony, steadying my arm and stopping the shake.

“Gay?” my mom repeated, as if she hadn’t heard the first time.

“Sí.”

With that, my father snapped out of his stupefaction. He said something I couldn’t quite make out, with a tone I’d never heard from him. Something like pure venom. He stood up and left the frame, his heavy footsteps growing farther away. My mom called after him. She stood up, dropping the phone on the couch. Eli, bless him and his golden heart, looked down at the phone, his innocent grin making me feel a little better even though all I really wanted to do was vomit over the balcony.

Less than a minute later, the camera started to move around, my mom’s face coming back on the screen. She looked paler than before, and there were strands of hair that hung loose and wild down her forehead. She tucked them behind her ear, swallowed, and said in a shaky voice, “Nicholas. I love you. You’re my son, first and foremost, and you always will be.”

I let go of a breath I hadn’t realized was stuck in my lungs.

“It’s just… you’re sure? That you’re gay?”

“Yes. Very.”

“And you don’t think you’re just—”

“It’s real, mamá. And it isn’t a phase or anything like that. I’ve been dealing with this since I could remember. And it’s hard to say it out loud, and when Dad… It’s difficult. So thank you for coming back.”

“Of course, hijo. I would never abandon you. And your father will come around. I’ll talk to him. I don’t know what I’ll say exactly, but I’ll figure that out later.”

“Thank you, mamá. I’m sorry for having to say this all over FaceTime. I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.”

She looked down and appeared to be petting Eli. The sun, which had been shining through her hair, caught the glint of a tear slipping from the corner of her eye. “You don’t need to apologize. I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have known, picked up on something. My motherly instincts never kicked in. Instead, I was pushing girls on you. Without ever thinking twice about what you really wanted.”

The emotion in her voice tightened my chest. I could tell she felt apologetic, and I had a feeling that if she could, she would turn back time just to take it all back.