“Bursar!”
“Yes, Archchancellor?”
“Give me your boots!”
“What?”
“Dammit, man, I command you to give me your blasted boots!”
This time, a long creature with four pairs of wings, two at each end, and three eyes, popped into existence over Ridcully’s head and dropped onto his hat.
“But—”
“I am your Archchancellor!”
“Yes, but—”
“I think the hinges are going,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
Ridcully looked around desperately.
“We’ll regroup in the Great Hall,” he said. “We’ll…strategically withdraw to previously prepared positions.”
“Who prepared them?” said the Dean.
“We’ll prepare them when we get there,” said the Archchancellor through gritted teeth. “Bursar! Your boots! Now!”
They reached the double doors of the Great Hall just as the door behind them half-collapsed, half-dissolved. The Great Hall’s doors were much sturdier. Bolts and bars were dragged into place.
“Clear the tables and pile them up in front of the door,” snapped Ridcully.
“But it eats through wood,” said the Dean.
There was a moan from the small body of Modo, which had been propped against a chair. He opened his eyes.
“Quick!” said Ridcully. “How can we kill a compost heap?”
“Um. I don’t think you can, Mr. Ridcully, sir,” said the gardener.
“How about fire? I could probably manage a small fireball,” said the Dean.
“It wouldn’t work. Too soggy,” said Ridcully.
“It’s right outside! It’s eating away at the door! It’s eating away at the door,” sang the Lecturer in Recent Runes.
The wizards backed further away down the length of the hall.
“I hope it doesn’t eat too much wood,” said the dazed Modo, radiating genuine concern. “They’re a devil, excuse my Klatchian, if you get too much carbon in them. It’s far too heating.”
“You know, this is exactly the right time for a lecture on the dynamics of compost making, Modo,” said the Dean.
Dwarfs do not know the meaning of the word “irony.”
“Well, all right. Ahem. The correct balance of materials, correctly layered according to—”
“There goes the door,” said the Lecturer in Recent Runes, lumbering toward the rest of them.
The mound of furniture started to move forward.