“I’m not suggesting anything, though it would appear that way.”
I can tell Kirian is now smothering a laugh. God, I’m really trying not to bust loose with one too. I have no idea why, though, because this is bad. I might have to go to the hospital and explain that there’s a condom stuck up my pussy. A used condom, I might add.
Kirian’s right brow inches up like a fuzzy caterpillar crawling toward the hairline for cover. “Do you think we should uh…look for it?”
“Oh. You mean I should spread my legs while you get your phone and shine the flashlight up my hoo-ha?”
“Yes, I guess that’s what I mean.”
I consider it. Honestly, would it be more or less mortifying if I had Kirian do it or some nasty doctor? Given that he’s…well, I don’t know, my “boss” and a prospective love interest or something along those lines, and given that we just had super hot, amazing, incredible, crazy sex, which blew my mind, and apparently also blew my pussy’s mind and made her clench hard enough to rip off a condom like a vacuum hoovering up dust bunnies and misplaced building blocks, maybe I would prefer a doctor. At least a doctor would be impartial. As it is, I’m not sure I’ll ever live this down.
“It’ll be okay. I promise I’ll just look. Maybe it’s like, not that far up there. I could use my finger and feel for it, and if I do feel it, I could pull it out very gently. Then you wouldn’t have to go to the ER.”
“I can’t believe you were thinking that too.”
“I am.”
“God, I can’t let you look up my va-jay!” I throw myself back against the pillows and cover my eyes with my palms for a minute while I try and recover from the massive amount of mortification flooding through my veins. It feels like I’ve had too much coffee because I’m all jittery and prickly. Or maybe it just feels like I’m going to have to get a hot guy to look up inside me for inanimate objects lost in the black hole that’s my box. Yeah, that’s enough to make anyone jittery.
I’ve seen a lot of crazy shit online. I once saw these photos, like X-rays of what people had stuck up their back door. It was wild. I mean, there were knives, light bulbs, toys (not sex toys gone wrong), keys (yes, plural), actual sex toys gone wrong, a wallet (probably a good place to hide it if they can extract it cleanly later), and more. I feel a little bit like this one might belong on the pussy X-ray photos wall of fame. I haven’t looked those up, but they’re probably not as interesting though. Somehow, things that have to do with the butthole are just so much more taboo and that much funnier as a result.
“Let me try first. Close your eyes,” I command.
“Okay.” Kirian turns on the bed and shows me his back—his very broad, yummy, and good enough to lick back. I would lick it. You know, if I weren’t experiencing the crisis of a lifetime over here.
I lay back and try to relax. This just reminds me of going to the doctor’s office for a pap smear and having them tell me to get my feet in the stirrups, scooch my butt down, and relax. As if anyone could ever relax. I can’t relax now because this is just as stressful. In fact, this might be worse. Still, I force my legs to fall to the sides, opening myself up enough for my index finger to take a quick sweep inside. I have to say that I’m still sore, but having my finger up there does kind of do things to me that shouldn’t be happening. However, this is no time to get, uh, moist.
But Kirian. He’s still sitting right there, very much naked.
Maybe I need to stimulate myself into having more orgasms. Externally, of course, and I mean by external stimulation. Perhaps the condom will just slide out in a rush of arousal, and I’ll be done with it forever. Or maybe my apparently extra-strong vag muscles will just suck the condom straight up into other parts, like my ovaries or something.
Christ. What a terrible thought. Can a condom really get that far up? I shudder in absolute terror.
“I can’t feel it,” I moan. “I don’t think shining your flashlight up there is going to help if I can stick my whole finger up there and not feel it.”
“You stuck your entire finger—”
“Stop!” I slam my legs closed. “Maybe it will just…if I get up, walk around, and do some jumping jacks or something, maybe it will just fall out.”
“You need to go to the ER,” Kirian says firmly. “The condom is used, and if it’s up there, I think you might also need to talk to the doctor about some emergency contraceptive.”