Chasing Serenity (River Rain 1)

I needed it to let me go.

I didn’t know if I’d survive as the me I knew me to be if it swept me back under.

“But Dad cheated on her.”

“Christ, baby,” he groaned, gathering me closer, tangling his long legs tighter in mine.

I tipped my head back, and he dipped his chin to catch my watery eyes.

“I’m so mad at them, both of them. Mom too, for not finding a way to work it out. And as crazy as it sounds, I might be more mad at Mom. Dad did not do right. It is not okay what he did. I’m not saying that. But he was destroyed. Destroyed. And she was always on us about forgiving. About understanding why people do the things they do and not being too hard on them. And this man that she loved and adored, who she gave children, spent half her life with, she just throws him away? And then throws Bowie in his face?”

Judge said nothing, just stroked along the nape of my neck.

“I know that’s judgy and even childish, her pain is not my own. It isn’t my place to make that call. And it’s an ugly trait some women have, placing the blame on a sister’s shoulders when it is so not a woman’s burden to bear. Especially with what he did. And I want so badly to be happy Mom found Bowie, and part of me is, but I miss them.” A sob tore up my throat. “The bottom line is that I miss my mom loving my dad.” Another catch and he shoved my face into his neck again.

“Just cry it out, Chloe,” he urged gently.

“I can’t…I have to…I have…have to release,” I whimpered.

“Do what you need to do,” he replied, giving me a squeeze. “I got you.”

I got you.

I cried harder.

But I spoke through it as I did because I couldn’t stop.

“What she said, Sam, Corey’s ex, wh-what she said on that sh-show, he did that. Uncle Corey. He did that to M-mom and Bowie. I kinda knew, all my life, he had a th-thing for her. Everyone knew he wa-was cutthroat. But I had no idea he was that evil.”

“Yeah. That was seriously messed up,” Judge concurred.

“But he was…we all forget, because of that. B-because of how ugly that was. Because of what a shock it was to…to learn about that. We forget, he was always th-there. For all of us.” I gulped. “Especially me.”

“All right. All right, honey,” Judge crooned.

“He was…he was…I’m him.”

“What?”

“Me,” I pushed my head back against his hand and he caught my eyes again. “I’m Uncle Corey.”

“You are not,” he growled.

“No.” I shook my head against the toss pillow we were lying on. “He taught me to be like him.”

“Chloe—”

“The good parts. The strong parts.” My lips trembled. “The loving parts.”

“I don’t get—”

“He loved her so much, Judge, and he couldn’t be close all the time. So he groomed me to take care of her and all that was hers. To be his proxy.”

“That’s you, not him,” Judge stated firmly. “That’s who you are.”

“Sully said I wear armor.”

I was jumping all over the place.

But Judge was right there with me.

“You do that,” Judge agreed.

“But it has vulnerabilities.”

Judge said nothing.

“And…and…people I love shouldn’t aim at those vulnerabilities.”

A darkness that was even more scary than a glower from Rix shadowed his eyes, and he enunciated every word clearly when he replied, “No. They. Should. Not.”

He was thinking about Sasha.

“I’m talking about Uncle Corey.”

“Okay, but we’ll also be talking about what kind of relationship you have with your sister, because, straight up, she either extricates her head out of her goddamn ass or we’re gonna have issues. And by that I mean her and me. No fucking way is she gonna get away with that shit again, I’m there, or not, and I got no problem informing her of that.”

It was my turn to say nothing.

He misinterpreted my silence.

“You think it’s not my place. But when you pull yourself together and get a good look around at where you are right now, and how you are right now, you’ll understand it fucking is.”

“I’m scared about how much I feel for you,” I blurted.

He blinked.

Before I could lose my nerve, I whispered, “You terrify me.”

I didn’t miss his moves this time when I suddenly found myself on my back with Judge flat-out on top of me.

And I felt as well as heard the rumble of his, “That shit you spouted at Rix.”

“If Mom didn’t have Bowie…” I let that lie.

“Honey,” he smoothed my hair away from my face with both hands then kept them woven in the strands on either side of my head, “this is not about your mom losing your dad, it’s about you losing him.”

“I haven’t. He’s there. He’s hurting. He fucked up, but—”