After she brushes her teeth, she jumps into the bed and slips under the covers. “Prayers,” she says, and I sit on the bed beside her. She takes her arms out of the covers and folds her hands, closing her eyes. “Now I lay me down to sleep." Her soft voice fills the room. The same room that I used to say these exact prayers. "God bless Mommy and Pops." I smile at her. “And all my friends." I bend down and kiss her nose.
"Good night, sweet girl,” I say, and she turns. “Have colorful dreams."
Standing, I walk out of the room and pull the door closed just a touch. I clean up the bathroom before walking back downstairs and turning on the kettle. Walking over to the kitchen table, I open my laptop, getting all the papers ready to go over again.
I’ve been over it five times, and I still can’t figure out how the fuck I’m going to get out of this mess. The only thing that will help is if Billy buys the farm.
The sound of the kettle whistling fills the room. I pick up the kettle and pour out the hot water, and I’m suddenly brought back to six years ago.
I walked into the house after discovering I was pregnant. The television was on low, and Pops’ chair was empty. I walked into the kitchen, and there he stood, making his nightly tea. He looked over his shoulder, and the smile he had on his face quickly dropped when he saw my face. He put the kettle down and turned to look at me. He was wearing his jeans and flannel shirt with his suspenders that he always wore. “What in sam hill has you in that mood?”
My heart beat so fast I thought it would come out of my chest. My stomach was moving like a lost boat in the ocean during a storm. “I have to tell you something."
"Well, go on, then," he said, his voice tight as he waited to hear.
"I’m," I started to talk, and my voice trembled. “I’m," I started over again, and that time the tears stopped me from talking. His eyes remained on mine the whole time; his face pure white as he held the counter.
He stood at six foot four and was built like an ox, but he was as soft as a teddy bear. “Hazel Bernadette." He said my full name, and I knew he was one second from snapping.
"I’m pregnant." The words left my mouth without a second thought. I watched his hand come up to his chest, and I thought he was having a heart attack.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." He laughed. “I thought you were going to tell me you were dying." He grabbed his tea and walked over to the table and sat down. He looked at me and then at the empty chair beside him. That was my cue to get my ass in the chair. I pulled out the chair and was suddenly thankful to be sitting down while I was doing this. “Now …" He looked at me. “Start over."
I placed my hands on the table, and my eyes focused on my fingers instead of Pops because I wasn’t sure I could see the disappointment in his eyes. "I’m pregnant," I said softly, still in shock myself. How did this happen? I kept asking myself that over and over since I saw the two lines. We used protection both times.
"So whatcha going to do?" he asked, and I finally looked up at him. Nothing was in his eyes but love.
"I’m going to have the baby," I said, and he nodded.
"It ain’t going to be easy." He placed his hand on mine now. “But if anyone can do it." Tears filled his eyes now. "You can."
"I don’t know about that," I said. “I never expected this."
"No one does really." He grabbed his cup now and brought it to his mouth. “Even when you know it’s coming." He placed the cup back down. “What about the father?"
I shook my head. “He doesn’t know," I answered him honestly.
"Are you going to let him know?" The question lingered in the air.
"He left town," I said, and without saying Reed’s name, he knew. "So I don’t know."
"He’s got a big family," he said. “One of them might know how to get ahold of him."
"I’ll try," I told him and then looked at him. “Are you disappointed in me?"
He put his big hand back on mine and squeezed as tears filled his eyes. "Not in a million years. Couldn’t be more proud of you." He took his handkerchief out of his pocket and dabbed his eyes. “In my whole life, you are the only thing I am most proud of." I got up and kissed his cheek. “Now go try to get ahold of that man of yours."