My night with Charlie had changed things. Kissing him had gotten me harder than any encounter I’d ever had with a woman. Something about being with him had made me feel like I could be myself more than I’d been with a woman. Maybe I could be rougher or bossier, or maybe I could let go of worrying about being polite and gentle for a little while. When he’d taken control during our last encounter, I felt like I’d floated way past normal sex into some kind of upgraded sex stratosphere. Whatever it was, it had blown my fucking mind. And even more than the sex, I knew with Charlie I’d never felt quite so… myself before.
After realizing that, I began to second-guess every relationship I’d ever had. The guilt swamped me. Had I ever given any of my girlfriends my true self? Was it because I was supposed to be with men all along? Was I gay?
No. I didn’t think so. I’d been plenty attracted to the women I’d dated. Granted, I’d never truly been in love before, but I’d honestly cared for and enjoyed the women I’d been with. Did that make me bisexual? I didn’t like that term. It had always seemed… limiting. Like there were only two choices. What about nonbinary people or transgender people? Bisexual implied you liked both sexes, but what about gender? It was all so confusing to me. I tried to recall conversations with my siblings about sexuality.
Was I pansexual maybe? Would that be more accurate?
Did it matter? Did I have to choose a label because of this strange change in my circumstances?
No. This was ridiculous. I wasn’t anything different than I’d been before. How could I suddenly not be straight after all these years? And if I wasn’t straight, what would everyone say when they learned all the Wilde boys were gay or bi? It was too weird, too unbelievable. I couldn’t stand being in the spotlight on a regular day, but being the punchline in a joke about the “last one finally succumbing” seemed like hell on earth to me.
I needed to shut my fucking brain down and put the crazy night behind me. I decided to relegate it to what it truly was: my one wild night. No one needed to know. My family sure as hell didn’t need to know. They would ask me questions until the cows came home, until Grandpa’s long-dead cattle came back from the dead and came home. That’s how insane the inquisitions from my siblings would be if anyone found out I’d kissed a man. They’d label me and revisit my entire past. They’d force me to the clubs and set me up on dates “just to see” who I might be attracted to under this new reality. No, thanks.
So there it was. What happened in Ireland stayed in Ireland.
But I couldn’t stop thinking about Charlie Murray. The Charlie I’d fallen so quickly for turned out to be one of the Murrays who’d be devastated to lose control of their family pub. And I was the one to make the recommendation to Bruce Ames about the acquisition. How would Charlie feel if he knew what I’d really been there to do? Would he hate me? Would he be happy? Did he know the business was in money trouble?
I didn’t want to do anything to upset him, but at the same time, my promotion was riding on this project.
Thinking about it had exhausted me. I hadn’t been able to sleep on the plane and when I’d attempted to work on my laptop, I hadn’t been able to focus. Thoughts of Charlie had consumed me until I felt sick with worry. Why had he left that morning? Had I done something to upset him? Had I let him down somehow? My biggest fear was having done or said something that made him feel as though I was using him. Had he felt like I only wanted to experiment with a man, any man? Because that wasn’t it. Did he know I couldn’t possibly have felt this way for another man besides him?
What if his feelings were hurt? What if he tried to erase the memory of me by staying in Cork another night and going back to that bar to find someone else? I couldn’t bear the thought of another man seeing what he looked like when he came, touching his smooth skin and hearing his sweet laughter. He was so kind… what if someone took advantage of him? What if he fell in with a new guy and got left again? It would break his heart.
By the time I landed in Dallas, I was confused and overwhelmed. Instead of driving home to my apartment in the city, I drove straight to Doc and Grandpa’s ranch in Hobie.