“I like it on you. And she’s not my girlfriend. You are. I mean… you know what I mean.”
Only the darkness around us could see what had to be a maniacal grin on my face. “No. Why don’t you tell me what you mean?”
“You’re not a woman,” he said stubbornly.
“I realize that, thank you,” I said. I almost couldn’t hold back my laughter at hearing him so out of sorts.
“But you’re my… my… I mean, you’re the guy who… you and I…”
His stammering brought to mind how utterly adorable he was when we first met.
“Jesusfuckingchrist, Charlie. You’re my person.”
I closed my eyes to savor it. Even though I’d sworn off the heavy emotion, I couldn’t deny the euphoria his words caused. My laugh broke the quiet night and startled Mama out of her balled-up sleeping position.
My lips pressed against the skin of Hudson’s forehead because that was the only skin I could reach.
“How red is your face right now?” I asked through my laughter.
“I hate you.”
“You don’t. You really don’t.”
He leaned up and looked me square in the eyes. There was just enough ambient light to make out his serious expression. It was enough to make my throat close up.
“No, I don’t,” he whispered. “I actually think I might lo—”
I lurched forward and crushed my mouth to his before he could say the words. I wasn’t ready. Neither of us was ready. There was too much going on in our lives to make the kind of declaration that would make this whole situation even harder.
The pub was set to open the following day regardless of what happened with Ames’s future, and my father and I had decided to go into work early to prepare Max for Dad’s interference in the kitchen. I had much more confidence in the success of opening night with Dad in the kitchen alongside Max. With all of those things on my mind, I couldn’t give Hudson and our relationship, if that’s what it was turning out to be, my full attention.
He was leaving, anyway. His future was in Chicago. He had more exciting things to focus on than whatever this was between us.
And I could hardly blame him. What future was there for a Texas boy and an Irish bloke? We didn’t belong together long-term. There was too much against us.
Hudson pulled back from the kiss. “Charlie, I—”
“No, please,” I whispered. “Can we go back and get in bed? I’m cold.” It was a lie. We both knew it was a lie.
“Of course. Here, sweetheart, take my coat.”
I loved him. Oh fuck, fuck. He was such a good man. I loved him so much. So very much, I ached with it.
The minute he’d almost said the words, I’d known for certain. I didn’t think I loved him. I knew it. With everything I had and my whole heart. I was a bloody idiot. Why did I always fall for the wrong man? Even if he’d have me, I couldn’t do that to him. I couldn’t be the one to make him give up the pretty picture he’d always dreamed of, the wife and kids, the perfect family. The life someone like sweet Darci fit in a thousand times better than I did.
I couldn’t speak to refuse the coat, so I allowed him to put it around my shoulders. He lifted me into the saddle and hopped up behind me. The ride back was quick, but every step felt like it was toward a hangman’s noose. There was nothing for it but to rip the bloody bandage off and fly home with my father. Back to the original Fig and Bramble, to my family and my history, back to the land of green pastures full of sheep waiting to be bossed around, back to my bratty sister and the niece or nephew she carried in her belly. I would be all right. When I pictured myself back home, it was exactly what was always meant to be for my life. And when I pictured Hudson and a nameless, faceless woman standing in front of a lovely home with a couple of lovely children, I knew it was exactly what was always meant to be for his life.
When we returned to the barn, I helped Hudson put away the saddle and blanket while he gave Kojack a quick brushing. Neither of us spoke as we went through the motions of filling water pails, closing stall doors, and making our way back to the bunkhouse.
He reached for my hand and pulled me into the tiny bathroom, pulling off each stitch of my clothing while the water in the shower warmed up. Once we were both naked, he nudged me ahead of him into the stall and closed the door, wrapping his arms around me from behind and simply standing with me under the warm spray.