That’s when I’d realized I’d let my guard down and gotten mouthy. And I was going to pay for it.
“I don’t enjoy being lectured like a goddamned asshole. I came over here to spend some fucking time with my fucking boyfriend, so give me a break and quit acting like a bitch.”
“Sorry,” I’d said quietly, knowing what was coming. I should have realized he’d be stressed about his meeting. I should have anticipated he’d want sex without the talking. It hadn’t been like me to forget. I’d taken a deep breath and done what I’d needed to get the encounter over with as quickly as possible.
In the end, it hadn’t lasted long… it rarely did if I said and did the right things, and I’d had plenty of time over the course of our relationship to figure out what Billy did and didn’t like. It had only been as he’d been leaving, his smoothie in hand and a satisfied look on his face, that he’d informed me he’d be out of town for the better part of a month. I’d known better than to complain about the last-minute schedule change, so I’d remained silent, only answering with a polite nod when he’d laid out his expectations for my behavior while he was gone.
It hadn’t been anything new. And I’d had a lot of years in our relationship to practice those behaviors, too.
Despite the practice, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t always predict the things that set Billy off, as evidenced by what had happened next.
As soon as Billy had left the apartment, I’d gotten into the shower and turned the water as hot as I could bear it so I could attempt to wash his touch off my body. Billy had ended up returning unexpectedly for something he’d forgotten, and instead of finding me lying in bed in the post-coital haze he’d so arrogantly seemed to think I should have been in, he’d discovered me practically rubbing my skin raw under a spray of hot water.
He’d twisted my wrist up behind me and snarled in my ear. “I didn’t realize my jizz was quite so disgusting to you, Ashton. Do you have any idea how many people out there would kill to be you? To have this apartment paid for by their man so all they had to fucking do all day is sit on their ass and get on their knees? I had no idea this was such a trial for you. That you were in such a hurry to get the scent of my sex off you that you’d literally leap into the shower the minute I left.”
His strong grip had twisted my wrist with each subsequent word until I’d felt my nose begin to run. Thank god it had been hidden by the shower water.
“No, Billy, it isn’t like that. I’m sorry, I was just—” I’d started to say, but he’d given me a hard shake to shut me up.
“I don’t have time to stay and do this bullshit dance with you again, Ashton. I think I’m going to hold back on that allowance I was going to leave you with and let you eat whatever’s left in the pantry. No need for you to leave this place when you clearly have plenty of things to think about while I’m gone. When I get back, I expect this bullshit attitude of yours to be in the past. You’ve been surly as shit lately, and I don’t appreciate it. I’m under enough pressure at work as it is. When I come here, I want to relax and be happy. Would it kill you to smile at me anymore? Fuck.” As he’d walked out of the bathroom, he’d shaken his head in frustrated disappointment. Like I’d been some kind of errant child who wouldn’t do as he was told.
Which was heartbreaking, when I felt like all I ever did anymore was what I was told. I’d decided ages ago that whatever goodness we’d had between us was long gone, but deciding to leave and leaving were two very different things. I’d allowed myself to get to this place where he practically owned me. He’d paid for everything, and after obscenely large medical bills, I’d gone through all the money I’d had, including the small inheritance from my parents. I still owed thousands upon thousands to hospitals and doctors, and after giving up on my college degree to follow Billy’s career, I was never going to be able to earn enough money to live on my own.
None of which held a candle to the real reason I couldn’t leave. He’d fucking kill me. The Billy I’d fallen in love with years ago didn’t seem to exist anymore, and the Billy I was with now would literally beat the crap out of me until I bled out on the floor.