“Wait, really?” I demanded. “But…”
“Get to planting, Parrish,” she said with a nod. “Don’t give up on Diesel. Things will work out if they’re meant to.”
I wasn’t sure that they’d work out as happily for me as they had for her, but I’d meant what I told Diesel earlier. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for him and Marigold. And if being patient was what he needed… I’d try.
16
Diesel
I felt like an ass. Parrish had looked so disappointed in me, but I’d known I was going to be terrible company. Even Marigold must have sensed my mood because as soon as I picked her up from Ava’s, she’d been especially snuggly and clingy, which had suited me just fine. I’d put her in the front carrier and kept her close to me as I cooked and cleaned and basically kept myself busy with nonsense chores.
But I’d eventually put her to sleep in her portable crib and had to face the rest of the evening with only my company. And my company was for shit.
I had way too much time to think, and all of my thoughts centered around Parrish’s fake smile as he tried to reassure me when I’d dropped him off at the bed-and-breakfast. That fake smile was like slapping my heart into a vise and then turning the crank.
Needless to say, I spent most of the night rubbing my chest. I thought about what a fucking coward I was. I wanted Parrish. I wanted this to be real, and I could tell he had some feelings too. But what if those feelings were temporary? What if he tried things on with me and then realized he wanted to go back to the right side of the tracks after all?
I wasn’t sure I could bear another big loss in my life, especially if I didn’t get custody of Marigold.
My sleep was fitful at best. The baby had mercy on me and made it through the whole night without a fuss which meant I woke up with a somewhat clearer head. I decided to take Marigold to the splash park meet-up since it was Tuesday and the weather was still plenty warm for it. If nothing else, Marigold would have a chance to see some non-scowling faces. Staying cooped up together at home was a recipe for a disappointing day.
After feeding us both breakfast and getting us dressed and ready, I had to take care of the chickens and help a few customers on the lot. When it was finally time to get going, I decided to make use of the stroller and walk to the park instead of driving.
Mari dozed with a face full of teething cookie crumbs. I stopped partway to apply the sunscreen I’d forgotten to take care of at home, and when we finally arrived at the park, most of the other parents and babies were already settled around on blankets and towels at the edges of the splash pad.
I found Ava sitting with several other parents. All of them were familiar, so I didn’t feel as awkward joining them this time. Ward looked up from the bottle he was giving his baby. “Hey, there he is. Come sit by me. They’re talking about boob shit, and I’m feeling increasingly irrelevant.”
I huffed out a chuckle and parked the stroller before pulling out my backpack and Marigold. When I joined them on the ground, Mari practically threw herself at Ava with a happy squeal. Ava caught her and gave her big, exaggerated faces as she cooed a welcome.
“You look like poop,” Ava said to me in cheerful baby talk. “Bad meeting yesterday?”
My face must have dropped even more because her big smile was replaced by a frown. She sat Mari in her lap facing outward and handed her a set of plastic loops from a pile of colorful toys on the blanket. Her son, Beau, was nearby slapping at a puddle of water on the soft, foam floor of the splash pad. I noticed Paul was watching him which probably meant he’d been able to duck out of work for his lunch break. I returned his silent wave.
“I mean,” I began. “Not really? The firm definitely felt good about our chances, and they were… on top of things.”
Ward’s forehead creased between his eyebrows. “Then why do you look like someone took your pony away?”
Maureen’s soft look of concern was touching, and Ginger reached out to squeeze my knee. These four new parents made me feel so much less alone in trying to figure things out with Marigold. After I’d first met them, Ava had insisted on including me in a group text, and the messages flew back and forth throughout the day—questions about developmental milestones and parent guilt, tips for quick snack ideas, and the best Spotify playlist for keeping a sleepy baby awake in the car. I’d only known them a very short time, but I already felt like I was beginning to have a crew of sorts.