Evan and I are quiet as we both watch his precious little girl eat. She finishes quickly and her little body sighs with satisfaction this time when I remove the bottle from her mouth. Placing her on my shoulder, I rub her back. Evan stands and grabs the bottle from the table and disappears.
After about five minutes of rubbing her back, she gives me what I’m waiting for. I settle her back in her bed and whisper, “Sweet dreams.” Evan is standing in the doorway, arms and legs crossed, shoulder leaning against the frame. His eyes capture mine as I move toward him. When I reach him, he stands to his full height and holds out his hand. I slip mine in his and allow him to lead me back to his room. A protest is on the tip of my tongue, because that’s what I think I should do, not what I want.
He stops when we reach his bed, pulls back the covers, and looks at me. “McKinley.” My name falls from his lips, sounding like a plea. I know what he wants, and it scares me how much I want it too. I climb into bed and settle on the opposite side, the same side I slept on earlier. Evan climbs in behind me, pressing his front to my back, and pulls me into his arms.
My body instantly relaxes into his hold.
I don’t move or speak. I’m too busy memorizing what it feels like to be here with him, like this.
Our breathing slows to a matched, even rhythm and, surprisingly, sleep starts to claim me. That is until I hear his whispered words, “It was more than just a kiss.”
I want to ask him what he means. What was it to him? Why is he holding me? What are we doing? Instead, I lie there in his arms, his soft breaths against my neck, and drift off to dream of more than just a kiss.
She’s more than just a kiss. I want more than anything to tell her how my feelings for her have changed. Tell her how I think about her all the damn time and how, anytime something happens, she’s the first person I want to tell. I want to bare my soul to her, but I won’t. She needs more than what I can offer her. I’m a single dad who is barely hanging on. Without her, I fear I would fail at this daddy gig I have going on. I can’t risk us not working out and losing both of my best friends, just to feel what it’s like to be inside of her.
I lie awake far longer than I should, enjoying the feel of her in my arms. I let my mind wander to what Aaron would think if he knew what I was doing right this minute. If he knew I was holding her tight in my arms. If he knew what I was thinking, I’m sure he would kick my ass. She’s his little sister and my other best friend, and . . . more. I want her to be a hell of a lot more.
If only things were different.
I place a kiss on her shoulder and allow sleep to claim me, enjoying this moment of falling asleep with her tucked close.
If feels like only minutes pass, when I’m woken by the soft whimpers of my baby girl. Reluctantly, I release the hold I have on Kinley to reach over and turn off the monitor, making a mental note to turn it back on later. I don’t want it to wake her. Slowly, I climb out of bed and make my way toward Lexi. I stop when I reach the door and turn back to look at my bed. McKinley is so peaceful, so fucking beautiful it makes my chest ache, and she’s in my bed. I want to memorize this moment. I want to store it away for all the nights to come when she won’t be here. My feet move on their own accord and, before I know it, I’m standing beside the bed——her side of the bed. Only one night and I’m already giving her claim. With a feather-soft touch, I remove the hair from her eyes. This image of her in this moment will forever be one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.
A louder whimper from Lexi tells me she’s about to get serious with her cries. My baby girl is hungry. I give a mental fist bump that I can tell what kind of cry it is. She’s the only person who could pull me from the beautiful slumbering McKinley.
By the time I reach her, Lexi is angry. As soon as I pick her up, she settles down. “Hey, baby girl. Daddy’s here,” I coo to her. It sounds foreign to me to refer to myself as daddy, but that’s who I am to her. She’s a part of me.
After a quick diaper change, which I’m getting better at each time, we head downstairs to the kitchen. The process of making her bottle is . . . messy. I spill the powdered formula all over the counter. I’m still learning to do this with one hand. Miss Lexi is not impressed when I try to lay her down. McKinley makes it look so damn easy.
I settle on the couch and my little piglet begins to eat her breakfast. “I didn’t hear her wake up,” Kinley’s sleepy voice greets me.
Looking up, I see her standing at the bottom of the stairs. My rumpled t-shirt is now covered with one of my flannel shirts hanging past her knees. Her hair is in disarray and that smile—-my smile—-lights up her face. She’s every man’s wet dream and she was in my bed last night. More than anything, I wish I could keep her there.
“Yeah, I turned off the monitor. I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Evan,” she says, walking further into the room. “That’s why I stayed last night, so you could get some rest and try to get on a normal schedule. You’ve been burning the candle at both ends.”
“I’m good,” I tell her. I’m fucking fantastic. I got only a couple of hours of sleep at best, but I feel like I slept for days. Having her here feels right. Although, I’m not sure she feels the same way, considering she’s acting as though last night never happened.
It was more than just a kiss, damn it.
“Hey, Lexi has her first doctor’s appointment today. I was hoping you might come with me. I’m still nervous about taking her out on my own,” I confess. Talk of the doctor’s appointment gets me out of my own head. She’s not mine. I can’t think like she could be or even will be.
McKinley walks into the room and sits on the couch beside me. Reaching out, she offers her finger to Lexi, who grips it tight. “Sure,” she says softly.
I relax with the knowledge she’s going to be there. I’m a grown-ass man and the thought of taking my daughter out alone terrifies me. I don’t have to say it out loud. Kinley gets it.
“What time is her appointment?”
“Ten.” I glance over my shoulder at the clock; it’s six now.
“Are you hungry?” she asks, standing from the couch.
“Uh, yeah, I guess.” I’m not sure why she’s asking. I watch as she leans over and kisses Lexi on the cheek then stands. “I’ll make us some breakfast.” I watch her walk away, her long tan legs wearing nothing but my shirt. Do you know how perverted it feels to have a raging hard-on when you’re trying to feed your newborn daughter? It’s damn uncomfortable.
“That’s smells amazing,” I tell McKinley when I enter the kitchen. I take the bottle to the sink and rinse it out. “She fell right back to sleep.”
“She’s such a good baby, Evan.”