Tired, Abe recognized. Jason worked hard all week, and by Friday, he was generally exhausted. Worry made sense in light of the situation with his children. But it was the pained longing that took his breath away.
“Jase?” he rasped.
With a strained moan, Jason stepped over to him and swept him into a tight hug. He hunched down, curling his large frame around Abe and burying his face in Abe’s neck.
“What’s wrong?” Abe asked. He raised his hand and brushed it through Jason’s hair. “Is this about your son?”
“Yes,” Jason said, the word muffled by Abe’s skin. “No.” He shook his head. “Christ. I’m not making any sense.” He chuckled humorlessly. “I don’t want to be a fuckup anymore.”
“You’re not a fuckup. You’re a successful doctor. You have a great house and a fancy car. You—”
Jason pulled away and walked toward the counter, his back to Abe. “I was too scared to admit I was gay, so I tried to avoid it and got Angela pregnant, which totally messed up the life she had planned. Then I guilted her into marrying me, talked her into having another kid, and didn’t do anything to help her with either of them. And after all of that, I screwed up my marriage because getting off was more important to me than keeping my vows and giving my children a stable home. Now Angela looks ready to drop and my kids are angry and scared.” He set his beer bottle on the counter, sucked in a deep breath, and turned around to face Abe. “How’s that for being a fuckup?”
Not sure how to respond, Abe did the only thing he could think of—he rushed forward, wrapped his arms around Jason’s waist, and held on tightly.
“I can’t keep going like this,” Jason whispered. “They’re my responsibility, my family.”
Sighing in relief, Abe said, “Good.”
“Do you understand what I’m saying?” Jason asked. He tugged Abe’s hair until Abe tilted his head back and met his gaze. “They need more of my attention. I told Ange I’m going to take them half the time.” He licked his lips. “We haven’t figured out all the details yet, but they’ll probably be here every other week or something like that.”
They were at a turning point moment in their relationship, and even though Abe should have seen it coming, he was wholly unprepared. Resting his cheek against Jason’s chest, he lowered his gaze and said, “You don’t want me to come over as much.”
“No,” Jason said. “That’s not true. Abe, I….” He cleared his throat. “Knowing you’re here when I get home makes this place feel like home. I love being with you.”
“Then what are you saying?” Abe looked up and searched Jason’s eyes. “Tell me what you want.”
“What I want?”
Abe nodded but didn’t speak. He knew what he wanted, but there wasn’t anything else to say until he heard the answer to his question.
“I’m not sure it matters,” Jason said.
“It matters to me.”
Stepping away, Jason rubbed his hand over his nape. “I’m trying not to be selfish here, baby.” He walked to the refrigerator, paced across the kitchen to the sink, and then returned. “Damn, Angela would love this.” He tilted his head back and closed his eyes. “Even when I try not to make it about me, that’s what it comes down to.”
“I’m lost,” Abe admitted.
Jason stopped, turned toward the counter, and grabbed it with both hands. “Angela asked me about you.”
Trying not to get winded from the change in topic, Abe said, “What did she want to know?”
Jason’s knuckles whitened, and he rolled his head from shoulder to shoulder. “A lot of things, but one was whether you’ll break up with me if the kids are around more.”
“What?” Abe asked in horror. “I hope you told her I wouldn’t do that.”
“That’s what I said.” Jason nodded. “But later I got to thinking and—” He swallowed hard. “You can do better than me.”
“No, Jase, what—”
“You’re younger, better-looking, nicer.” Jason squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head. “What the fuck are you doing with a guy who’s closer to forty than he is to thirty, works all the time, has a bad temper, and to top it all off, has children with personal problems who need attention?”
“Tell me this,” Abe said, trying to keep his voice steady. “Do you want me to leave?”
“You should leave.” Jason slumped, curling in on himself. “I’d fucking run from me so fast I’d leave scorch marks on the ground.”
“That’s not what I’m asking.” Though Abe wanted to go to Jason, to comfort him, he didn’t for fear of being turned away. As it was, he worried about losing control of his emotions, something he doubted Jason would welcome. “Do you want me to leave?”
“Why would I want you to leave?” Jason said after several moments of silence. “Nobody would want that.” He straightened his posture and ran his gaze up and down Abe’s body. “You’re a wet dream come to life. The sweetest, most patient man on earth, like a damn angel. Until the clothes come off, and then you’re filthy and sexy and so damn horny you make my balls ache.” He rubbed his palms over his eyes. “Christ. You’d tempt a monk, Abe, and I’m about the furthest thing possible from one. No, I don’t want you to leave, but why on earth would you want to stay?”