sound all happy. I was going to wait to tell you, with everything going on—”
I took her hands in mine. “I’m glad you told me. And I’m so happy for you.”
“What about you, Lan?” Harper glanced over her shoulder at the door. The same door Cal had just been standing in before leaving me secure in his home. “What are you going to do?”
“There’s nothing to do,” I said. “I’m done.”
“With Cal or Jack?”
“Both.”
“I don’t think they’ll take that as an answer.”
“I don’t care,” I said. “They hurt me. Betrayed me.” A sob broke my throat and I couldn’t help it. I tried shaking it away, but it wouldn’t budge. The pain was stuck. All I could do was try to talk around it. “I gave them everything. I believed them.”
“I know,” she whispered, and pulled me in for a hug. Whatever gates that were holding back all my emotions, opened. Harper’s arms tightened around me and a few tears fell. Then a few more.
I cried for every hour of every day since I’d gotten stood up on that damn blind date and my life changed forever. Cried because I loved Cal. Because I still loved Jack. Cried because I hated how much I loved them.
“I hate them,” I whispered. “I hate them so much because I love them and it…it feels like I’m dying. Like I can’t breathe.”
“I know,” Harper cooed and stroked my hair.
“My dad is dead. Everything is gone.”
“I know,” she whispered again.
“Please,” I begged. To who or what, I didn’t know. I just knew in this moment, I couldn’t fake a smile anymore. “Please make it stop.”
The hole was eating away and there was no fight left in me. I was tired. To my core tired of fighting. Tired of trying.
“I wish I could,” Harper said and adjusted to make me face her. “This is hard.” She cupped my face. “But you, Lana Case, can handle this.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Yes, you can. You’re a survivor.”
More tears flooded. I didn’t feel like a survivor. I felt like someone who was failing.
“What do I do?”
“You do whatever you have to do to get through this. Because you will get through this.” Harper forced me to look at her and repeated. “Do you hear me? Whatever it takes. This is your life, you decide. You’re in control.” She examined me and finished with, “You also need to get some sleep. You look exhausted.”
I felt exhausted. I’d also never felt more lost in my life. I hugged my friend and just repeated her words in my mind:
Do whatever it takes to get through this…
~
“Breakfast for dinner is the best idea ever,” Mark said, digging into his plate of food. His mustache had really come in since the last time I’d seen him. The other fire guys sat around the table, passing syrup back and forth for their waffles.
It was so familiar it warmed a very cold part of my chest. Family. This was what family was like. Gathered around the table. Talking. Eating. Being in the middle of the kitchen, everyone crowed around a big circular table, it was hard not to feel welcome.
“It was the best thing to make, since Cal can only handle making scrambled eggs,” Dave said, and stuffed a big bite of pancake into his mouth.
“There are no eggs,” Mark said.
“Exactly.” Dave pointed a fork his direction.