“Oh, no, honey, you’re not doing anything wrong. Both boys are tough to understand in different ways. They also have different strengths, that’s what balances them out. I may not have all the details on you and Jackie, but I know that you’ve been seen from the start. So, let yourself feel the way you feel.”
“Sometimes, I don’t know what to feel. Or I feel too much.” That being a new development. “And what do you mean I’ve been seen from the start?”
“I just know both of them noticed you right away. As far as the rest goes, trust your gut. There’s nothing wrong with going for what you want.”
That was the problem. I didn’t know what I wanted. I knew what I didn’t want: being hurt again. Jack walking away had been one of the hardest things I’d lived through. Rebuilding with his best friend had some flaws in the concept. But with things so messy all the time, a place to land was something I cherished.
They balance each other out.
I thought about that statement. And about what Cal had said before about Jack. They both had strengths. Cal was the chaser, Jack was the corner.
“Is it hard with Jack being gone? I know he and Cal are close.” Funny thing, I was asking for Cal’s sake, not for Jack’s. When had that switched?
Bea just glanced around, as if Jack’s presence was still in this room. “We miss him,” she said simply. “Cal and Jack are closer than brothers. They always come through in the end.”
That made me think that I was the issue. Something they had to get through. Was I hurting Cal? Was my presence keeping Jack and him on odd terms? I didn’t know. But I couldn’t take on Jack’s burden. He left. It was up to him how to communicate with his family.
“I care about Cal very much,” I admitted. “He makes everything seem…bearable.” I shook my head and rephrased. “No, it’s more than that. He makes everything wonderful.”
“Yes, he’s good at that. I just wish he didn’t seek the danger to get the calm.”
“Firefighting you mean?”
“Before that even. He was always looking for ways to give me a heart attack. Once he jumped off the roof with the hopes of making it to the tree. He missed and fell and broke his arm. That poor kid was hollering in pain and smiling at the same time.”
Sounded like Cal. It also sounded like what he’d told me a few days ago about overwhelming emotions and chasing after a high.
Apparently, he’d been chasing a high since he was a kid.
“Why would he do those things?”
“His mother’s passing was hard on him,” she said quickly, like it was a recited answer she’d given several times in the past. I recognized it because I’d done the same. Rehearsed speeches I’d give myself to deal with what Brock had done to me.
“May I ask how she died?” Bea’s eyes lined with tears. I felt instantly horrible. “Oh, my gosh, I’m so sorry. Forgive me for being so rude. I just—”
“You just want to know Cal better, I know,” she said with a watery smile. “My sister battled addiction. A battle she lost in the end.”
“I’m so sorry,” I said. Though the details still weren’t clear, I wasn’t about to ask any more. I hugged Bea, and she hugged me back.
“You’re a good girl, honey,” she said, and rubbed my back. “I hope you know that.”
Her words pricked something in my heart that had long ago stopped working. She thought I was good? Thought me worthwhile for not just Jack, but Cal?
“Whoa, I leave you two alone for ten minutes and you’re crying?” Cal said, walking into the living room.
“Oh, hush, I’m not crying,” Bea said, pulling away and running her fingers under her eyes.
“I was hoping to get some dirt on you,” I said to Cal, trying to lighten the mood.
“Oh! I have scrapbooks!” Bea piped up with a smile, seeming to like this direction of conversation much better than the other.
“No,” Cal said calmly.
“And some VHS tapes of his school play!”
“No.”
“Ooh! And I even think I saved that thing you had growing on the back of your scalp,” Bea said with excitement, as she scuttled down the hall and flung open the closet door.