What was even more difficult was that she shouldn’t want more, but there she was, hoping to get a better glimpse of Colt. To really know him. To understand what sad thoughts made his eyes darken. Mostly, she wanted to know how to chase that darkness away.
He was kind, caring, and loyal. She had a connection with him. Yet she felt she’d been dancing the same dance for years and getting nowhere. Colt had seen her at her worst and her peak. She trusted him with herself, so why did she feel as if he’d somehow rebuffed her?
Oh, God…
There, in the middle of Lily’s kitchen, she watched Colt make his nephew a sandwich and realized she was the one craving more and was trying to go after it. This whole time she’d masked her efforts as something else, but the facts were right there, as clear as she was standing before Colt.
She was going after him. And she was terrified. Because he had changed everything. Without Colt, she’d go back to the emptiness that had been eating away at her for years. Only this time, she’d be aware of it.
“Say it,” Colt whispered. His breath tickled her forehead. She hadn’t even noticed he’d moved so close to her.
“Say what?”
“Whatever the hell has you frowning and biting your lip like a damn cannibal. Just say it. Stop worrying, overthinking, and analyzing. Just. Say. It.”
“I’m an empty human being.” Jenna’s hand flew to her mouth. She couldn’t believe what had just come out. Why would she say such a thing? She had people in her life. People she loved, like Lily and Penny. She had friends, the guys, her job.
Colt cupped her cheek in his palm. He stared hard at her, his blue eyes burning. As though he was waiting for her to understand something he had figured out a long time ago.
“You’re not empty, Jenna.”
She snorted and shook her head. “How do you know? You don’t know anything about—”
He gripped her chin and raised it. “I’m not even going to let you finish that sentence.”
Jenna’s heart sped up. Colt—easygoing, laid-back Colt—was furious.
“I see you. The real you. I know you’re scared. I know you struggle with the past. I know the memories that molded you still haunt you.”
She swallowed hard. Her eyes watered. Because if anyone did know about that, it was Colt.
“You’re strong. Not empty.”
“Do you ever feel lost, even when you’re right where you’re supposed to be? Where you thought you wanted to be?”
His grip on her chin softened, and he trailed his fingertips along her cheekbone. “Yes. Ever since my parents died.” His eyes bored into hers. “That is, until recently.”
Her lips parted and her breathing stalled. “Colt…”
“I’m not supposed to be here, but somehow…” He leaned in, brushing his lips over her ear. “When I’m near you—inside you—I feel more at home than I ever have in my life.”
Jenna couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. She felt it too. Wanted that. But it wasn’t that easy. It never was. She couldn’t continue seeing Colt the way she had, because every time she felt what it was like to connect to someone—to show her true self and be accepted—it ended with her feeling more empty than when she started.
Despite all that had happened, Colt hadn’t offered any personal details about himself. She wanted to know him, to soothe him the way he had soothed her when she was younger. But she couldn’t.
That was how an addiction started. That was how a woman lost herself and threw her body at any willing man in an attempt to relive a single moment of not feeling lonely.
“Colt, I want more. I shouldn’t. I know that. But I want to know you. Beyond this summer. I just…” She looked him in the eyes. “Just tell me something that lets me know you now. In this moment.”
He gave her a soft kiss. “This is the longest I’ve been home since my parents died.” She nodded, silently urging him to continue. “I don’t like remembering them, because then I have to accept that they’re gone. That I fucked up.”
“You didn’t do anything, Colt. It was an accident.”
“The night they died, I had sneaked out. I wasn’t even there when the cops came to the house. Lily had to face them alone.”
“Oh, Colt.” She cupped his neck.
“My father was a good man. The kind of man I wanted to be. But when they died, just the thought of them… I knew I could never be as good as they were. Diamond was their home. Lily was their daughter.”