My breath hitched because I knew the truth. I wasn’t the one who’d be hurt. “I feel the same.”
“That I’ll hurt you?”
“No. That I’ll hurt you. I already have, and I’m not sure I can stop.”
“We’re fucked then.”
I laughed even though I wanted to cry. “It appears so.”
The line was quiet again and I held my breath feeling like my entire future hinged on the next few things that we said.
“I guess I should go.”
I swallowed the lump as I realized this was it. We were going to end it now before anyone got hurt.
“Okay,” I managed.
“Okay.” But he didn’t hang up and neither did I. We sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, and yet when he finally said goodbye, felt too fast. As I hung up, I was reminded of the saying about being careful what you wished for. I just got my wish. Devin was giving me up. Andrew would be safe from his mother. Devin wouldn’t be forced to care for a child he didn’t know about or didn’t want. But it was true that wishes could be devastating because in that goodbye, I felt like I’d lost a dream.
When Devin hung up, I went to bed and cried. It was silly to cry, and yet I couldn’t help it. I felt like everything I’d ever wanted was within my reach and yet a million miles away. And all of it was my fault. Because I was a coward. Because I wasn’t a good enough person, I was hurting him.
I reached over and picked up my phone from the bedside table and sent him a text. I’m sorry. Then I curled into a ball and tried to get some sleep.
The next morning I woke to a return text.
Do you wish it was different?
At first I wasn’t sure what he meant, but then I decided he was asking if I wished our situation was different. If I wished we were in sync with our goals and lives.
My initial impulse was to lie or to say something to the effect that wishes didn’t matter, only the reality of our situation. But I felt like I owed him something of the truth. Or maybe I hoped it would lessen my guilt over my actions. Either way, I told him the truth.
Yes.
Then I put my phone down and did my morning routine, which for once didn’t perk me up for the day. I got Andrew up and ready, and after taking him to my mother’s, I walked to the subway to head to work.
When I exited the station outside my building, my phone pinged with a text.
Do you think we’re capable of creating our own destiny?
Wow. How could I respond to that? Of course, I knew that we could affect our own futures, but we also were at the mercy of outside forces. The weather. The economy. Our own impulsive behavior that lead to unintended consequences. The last one was the big one in my life. I loved Andrew with all my heart and wouldn’t change a thing about having him. But he wasn’t part of my plan when he was conceived. Because he was the most important thing in my life right now, I couldn’t make plans that could hurt him. So while, yes, I thought I could set my own course in life, I did have boundaries within which I had to navigate.
Devin’s question seemed to suggest that he thought we could overcome our challenges. The problem was, he thought our only challenge was my job and the fact that we had different ideas about marriage and children. Those were not small issues. I liked my job. I wanted a husband someday. But the real problem was the fact that Devin was a father and didn’t know it. And to a lesser extent, fears around how his mother would treat Andrew. I had no clue how to overcome those challenges, at least not without risking losing Andrew.
It took me several tries to figure out a response. Finally I messaged back. Within limits.
I waited outside my work building for a reply, but after a few minutes when one didn’t arrive, I tucked my phone into my purse and headed inside and up to my offi
ce.
“Roarke St. Pat meeting in my office, ten minutes,” Nikita said as I made my way to my office.
“I’ll just put my things away and be right there.” In my office, I grabbed my notebook and folder for the event, took my phone from my purse and put it in my pocket, and then put my purse in my desk drawer. As I left my office for the meeting, my phone beeped.
I stopped in the middle of the hallway and pulled my phone out.
Can limits be pushed?
I read and reread his message knowing he was asking if there was any hope. My heart filled with emotion that he was trying so hard to find a way for us. I couldn’t figure out why he still cared after everything I’d put us through. Every fiber of my being ached to tell him that yes, limits could be pushed. That if we both wanted to be together we could, but the reality was when he learned the truth, it would likely destroy whatever feelings he had for me.