Imperfect Love (Heart of Hope 4)

I tried to remember the last time I’d seen her smile. Actually, that wasn’t too hard because she often smiled at the kids. But not with me. We didn’t fight a lot, but that was probably because we didn’t talk to each other a lot. I suppose much of that was my fault for working, but my work was what fulfilled our dreams.

When we did talk, it was mostly over logistics, like Noah’s soccer practice or Lanie’s gymnastics. It hadn’t always been like that. In the beginning, we talked about anything and everything. Hell, we’d talked during sex even. Dirty talk that had us both coming so hard. Now we didn’t have sex, and when we did, it was quick, quiet, and not very satisfactory. It wasn’t that she wasn’t attractive, because she was. Yes, she wasn’t as put together as she used to be and she carried more weight, but to be honest, I liked the curves. If she was into me, I think I’d have enjoyed really savoring her luscious body. But I’m pretty sure she didn’t enjoy sex anymore, and so to save us both from the discomfort, I’d relegated my sexual desire to the shower where I jerked off several times a week.

I sighed and rolled onto my side. Perhaps it was just time to accept that this was my life. I’d heard other men talking about their lives and knew that they too found the everydayness of married life lacking in excitement. Perhaps that was just how life was.

2

Terra

I woke to an elbow in my face. I looked at Noah, sleeping peacefully next to me. My little man was so serious and anxious, but when he slept, all that was gone. I gave his elbow a kiss and then slipped from bed. It was late and the house was quiet. I made my way to the kitchen to get some water. I knew Brayden had made it home tonight because his dinner plate was gone from the fridge. I suppose I should be grateful that he’d rinsed and put it in the dishwasher when he was done. So many other housewives that I knew complained about how their husbands never did anything around the house. Brayden would at least clear his dishes and always got his dirty clothes into the hamper.

I put my water glass in the dishwasher and then went to my bedroom. Brayden was asleep. I climbed into bed, turning my back to him to lay on my side. On the bedside table, I caught a glimpse of our wedding picture. I didn’t know the bride anymore. She was prettier, thinner, and happier than me with her dream life ahead of her. I was a frumpy housewife whose husband didn’t want to touch her, and to be honest, when he did touch me, I felt too self-conscious about my extra weight to enjoy it.

Perhaps it was time to move that picture. I’d set it there thinking it would remind me of all the hopes and dreams I’d had that day to push me to strive to have the happiness I’d felt back then. Now it just highlighted how drab and dreary my life had become. The only sunlight in my life now were my kids.

I’d been so sure that staying home to be a mom was the right choice for us. It was what I wanted and Brayden and I were financially able to afford it. Brayden supported my desire, although he’d put us on a budget. We had a nice home and lived well, but we certainly had more money than our outward appearances showed.

Now, I wondered if maybe our marriage only worked when we were a partner in business. We’d never had any problems while we worked side by side. Today, I felt detached from him and the business we built together. I didn’t feel like he was particularly attached to me and the kids either. Not that he didn’t love the kids. When he was around, he was a great dad. But during the week, he was hardly around when the kids were awake.

I pushed away the thought that I had other choices. I could go back to work now that the kids were in school, but if Brayden and I weren’t getting along at home, we didn’t need to bring that hostility into the business. I could also leave. I could be like fifty percent of all marriages and call it quits.

I closed my eyes, willing my worries away. This was the life I’d set out to have, and so I had to live it even though it wasn’t living up to my expectations.

The next morning, I had my normal routine. I was up before Brayden and in the kitchen making breakfast. He worked hard so that we could have all that we did, so I’d gotten into the habit of letting him sleep in on Saturdays.

I heard the shuffle of feet and turned to see Lanie wiping her eyes and holding her stuffed teddy bear.

“Hey baby.” I squatted down and held out my arms.

She came to me, giving me a hug. In moments like this, I felt guilty for complaining about my life. There was nothing better than quiet moments with my kids.

“What’s for breakfast,” she asked, resting her head on my shoulder.

“What would you like? Pancakes?”

“Yeah.” She lifted her head and smiled. She had a sweet yet mischievous twinkle in her blue eyes, so like her dad’s. “Can you make them into clowns?”

“I can try. Your dad is the expert at that.” I put her down.

“Is he here?”

I felt a sting in my heart that the kids saw him so rarely they didn’t even know when he was home. “He’s sleeping. How about I get the batter ready and then I’ll get him up.”

“Okay. Can I help?” Lanie put her bear on the kitchen table.

“You sure can.”

Noah made his way into the kitchen just as I was fishing an egg shell Lanie had broken out of the batter.

“Good morning sweetie. How’d you sleep?” I asked him.

“Good. Whatcha making?” He came to stand next to me.

“We’re going to ask daddy to make clown pancakes,” Lanie answered.

“Does that sound good?” I asked, picking him up so he could see our progress.

“Can we have bacon too?”